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Dramatic Works of Harry & Edward Paulton 

4.A.A A. A A A, A 


All Smiles. 



fiarrp and du>ar<! Paulton. 


Amateur Fee for each representation of this Play 

is Three Guineas, payable in advance to 
amuel French, Limited, 26, Southampton-street, 
Strand, London. 




v YORK: 


24, WEST 22xD STREET. 



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& farcical Comefcp in 












Prince of Wales Theatre, Strand Theatre, 
Liverpool, 1st Sept., London, IGth April, 

1800. 1802. 


in Life Assurance (President of the Universal Insurance Co.). 

in Love with Himself (Peter's Wife's Brother.) 

in Corney's Hands (Corney's Friend). 

in the Clouds (an Art Enthusiast, a Millionaire). 

in Retirement (a Merchant). 

in-dispensable (Peter's Wife). 

in Authority (Caroline's Eldest Sister). 

in Open Rebellion (Caroline's Youngest Sister). 

in Love with Corney (Peter's Daughter). 

in Service (Parlor Maid). 

in the Way (New Jersey Governess). 

in the Flesh (Widow of the late Amphion, King of Thebes,a Statue.) 

ACT I. Dunn's Drawing Room. Looking to the North. (7.15 p.m.) 
In the Absence of the Family. 

ACT II. Same. Looking to the South. In the Presence of the 

ACT III. Same. Looking to West. Afternoon of the Same Day. 
Time. Present. Location. London. 




SCENE. DUNN'S drawing-room. At the L. of front cor- 
ner, a large bay window on to the street; L. c. an 
arched opening with portiere to stairs and entrance 
liall; R. door to dining-room. On the R. of entrance 
a four-fold screen like a box case, surrounding Statue 
of Niobe, in which is a Vampire opening at bacJc. 
An opening also in Flat behind .screen. One fold of 
screen opens to L. of stage towards centre opening. 
Two folds open to R. Small castors on the bottom of 
opening folds. Piano R. below door; couch in front 
of it; table L. c. ; chairs R. and L. of it; piano stool, 
foot stool, chairs, etc. 

At r,ise of curtain, HATTIE R. at piano; HELEN standing 
c., beating time to HATTIE'S playing " The Maiden's 
Prayer" for opening of act; CARRIE seated L. of table 
L. c. ; BEATRICE seated R. of table, discovered examin- 
ing album, sketches, etc.; after curtain is up. MARY 
enters from R. with three small cups and saucers on 
tray; HELEN up c., takes one, drinks, MARY offers 
other cups to CARRIE and BEATRICE; CARRIE offers one 
BEA. (with album) Who in the name of goodness 

is that dreadful looking guy? 

CAR. That is Mr. Dunn when he was a boy. 
BEA. Your husband! oh! 

MARY after offering coffee to BEATRICE passes front of 
table to L., giving coffee to CARRIE. 

CAR. Are you quite sure you won't take coffee? 
BEA. Quite sure! 

After this MARY going up L. to exit c. 



HEL. (up c., sternly) Mary, the fire! 

MARY goes to fireplace L., puts tray on chair; MARY 
poking the fire HELEN eyes MARY severely. 

HAT. (at piano R., finishes playing) Oh, Helen! 
That's twice this evening I've played the " Maiden's 

HEL. (up c. ; turn'ng to HATTIE fiercely) You will 
play the " Maiden's Prayer " twice morning and evening 
until you are perfect. 

HELEN turns from HATTIE and drinks coffee. 

HAT. (impertinently) Ugh.! I'd like to catch you 
saying your maiden prayers twice morning and even- 

HATTIE turns resumes playing. 

MARY, (advancing c. to HELEN, tray in hand) What 
time shall I order the carriage round? 
HEL. Seven fifty. 

HELEX returns cup to MARY MARY exits c. and R. at 

We shall be at the Theatre then before the Curtain 
goes up. 

HELEN advances R. c.. severely watches HATTIE play 
with glasses on. 

HAT. Well, you oughtn't to do it. You'll lose caste if 
you get to your seats without disturbing the per- 

HATTIE playing softly while she talks. 

HEL. (advancing to BEATRICE, L. c.) Beatrice, you 
are well posted on Theatrical matters; is the play we are 
going to see to-night strictly proper? 

BEA. I know nothing to the contrary, (closing 

HATTIE plays ff. 

HEL. (very angrily) Hattie! Take your foot off 
the loud pedal; we can't hear ourselves speaking. 


HATTIE shuts up piano petulantly: pouting as sits on 
couch, back to audience. 

CAR. (rising) I was sorry Mr. Sillocks couldn't 
come to dinner. 

CARRIE goes to window doicn L., looks out. 

BEA. Papa regretted it very much, but he is sure to 
be here to escort us. (crosses R. to couch and sits.) 

CAR. I'm glad of that, because Corney is never satis- 
factory as a Chaperon. 

BEA. Oh, Carrie, I'm sure Corney is most attentive. 

HEL. (L. c. ) If you were his sister, you would not 
think so. He neglects us shamefully. 

HAT. (R.) Quite right, too! It's a pity if a fellow 
can't stick to the girl he's spooning, (sitting K. and 
laughingly hugging BEA.) 

HEL. Hattie! You are a very slangy child. Such 
terms are most improper. 

HAT. Corney uses them, and I don't know any better 
way of saying it. (crosses to c.) 

HEL. Could you not say adhere to the lady he's en- 
gaged to? 

HATTIE crosses back to sofa. 

BEA. We can hardly consider ourselves engaged, 
while Corney is, so to speak, on trial. If Papa approves 
of him, of course we shall be married. 

Bus.; HATTIE and BEATRICE quietly congratulate each 

HEL. I'm sorry I cannot live with you and manage 
the household, but Carrie could not get along without 
me. She has no talent for management and Peter is 
too engrossed with outside business. 

HAT. (laughingly) If you'd watched him at dinner, 
you'd think he did not neglect his inside business. 


HEL. (sternly) I can see nothing humorous in that 
ribald remark. 

CAR. (L.) A man of Peter's excitable temperament 
has enough worry abroad, he deserves to enjoy himself 
.at home. 


CARRIE goes up L. to fireplace, puts cup on mantel- 
piece, as if looking for something. 

HEL. But he brings his worries home with him. I'm 
sure we didn't want that troublesome Statue in the 
house, though Mr. Tompkins does think it the greatest 
treasure on earth. He calls it Niobe Lachrymans, 
whatever that means. 

BEA. Why did Mr. Dunn bring it home? (knock and 

MABY crosses at back from B. to L. 

HEL. For safety he says; it is insured in the Uni- 
versal, of which Mr. Dunn is Manager, for quite a large 
sum, and as Mr. Dunn granted the policy on his own re- 
sponsibility, he is anxious to guard the Statue from in- 

BEA. (curiously) I should like to look at it. 

BEATRICE rises, going up towards screen. 

HEL. (interrupts her) Not while Hattie is in the 

HAT. (on couch E.) Oh! I've seen it, and why not! 
It's decent enough. She only shows a bit of her shoul- 
der; it's nothing to the display at Society balls. 

HEL. Hattie! The child is incorrigible. (goes up 
B. c.) 

CAR. (at fireplace up L.) Where are the Opera 

HAT. Better ask Corney. He was at the Alhambra.. 
last evening. 

BEATRICE at piano, looking at music. 
HEL. (turns) Oh, you dreadful girl! (door slams 

Off L. U. E.) 

MARY. (L. c.) They're in the drawing room, Sir! 

SILLOCKS enters L. c. ; MARY crosses L. to B., always in 
front of stairs. 

SILL, (c.) Good evening! Here we are! 7:30 to the 
tick! How's Dunn? 

CAR. (at fireplace L.) My husband is very well, 
thank you! 


SILL. How are you? (to HELEN, coming down c.) 
Hello, Bea. (to BEATRICE) Ah! Hattie! (HATTIE crosses 
to SILLOCKS, c., who takes off overcoat.) and the babies, 
my little cherubs, Bertie and Maud. 

HEL. (crossing at back to fireplace) They are in the 
nursery; we don't allow them in the drawing-room. 

CAR. (down L. of L. c. table) They ought to be in 
bed; it is past their hour. 

BEATRICE crosses at back to fireplace. 

SILL. Very early, isn't it? even for infants? 

HEL. Judging from results, no! Look what a healthy 
child Hattie is. Few girls have so fresh a complexion. 

HAT. Unless they get it at the Chemist's. (SILLOCKS 

BEATRICE goes up L. to fireplace; HATTIE puts on SIL- 
LOCKS' hat, goes up stage c. at back; places coat and 
hat on rack in halhvay; SILLOCKS sits B. of table. 

DUNN, (without R.) No! No! Everything is com- 
parative; smoking is bad, but chewing is a precious 
sight worse; and have you reached the limit of compara- 
tive noxiousness then? No, sir; no! (DUNN enters with 


Sillocks! Did you notice how Nitrates were at closing? 

SILL, (coming down front in centre to DUNN) 92 y s , 
a point and a quarter rise. You're not interested in that 
Electric Light Consolidation scheme, are you? 

DUNN. (R. c.) No! There's no money in it. Well!! 
That's my opinion. 

SILL. Aren't you coming with us to the Theatre? 

DUNN. I? Oh no! 

SILL. Why not? 

DUNN. Not asked. Never intrude where I'm not 

SILL. But your wife 

DUNN. Well, my wife They did ask me to go 

once or twice; but owing to some business, I couldn't 
accept; now, I never get the chance of refusing. 

SILLOCKS goes and sits R. of table, opens album; DUNN 
up c., looking at his paper. 

HEL. (back of table) Peter, if you wish to see the 
children while we are away, go up to them in the nur- 
sery. Carrie does not approve of their coming into the 


CORN, (advancing slightly down L.) Quite right! 
Children up to a certain age should be kept in a room as 
devoid of furniture as possible; the only way to keep 
them out of mischief, is to chain them up to a ring in 
the wall 

BEA. What horrible notions you have Corney! 

Leaving CORNEY, she goes up and crosses at lack to R. 

SILL, (looking at album) Hallo, legs! (HELEN 
turns quickly, comes down to back of table) You've got 
some choice specimens of the Ballet here, I see! 

HAT. (starting for table from R. corner) Where? 
Let's have a look at them. 

HEL. (commandingly) Stand back, Hattie! I must 
know before we proceed any further, how this indeli- 
cate picture happens to be placed by the side of mine, 
in the album? 

HATTIE goes to BEATRICE up R., laughing. 

CORN, (down L., aside) Hang it! I shall be ruined 
with Beatrice if Sillocks suspects me. 

HEL. Corney! 

CORN, (alarmed) Yes! 

HEL. Do you know anything of this? 

CORN. Why yes! Peter put 'em there! 

DUNN, (down c.) What! I put them there? 

CORN, (crosses to DUNN c. ) Yes, of course, now 
what's the good of denying it, old man? (aside, digging 
DUNN'S ribs as he gets R. of him) Say yes, or Sillocks 
Avon't approve of me. 

CAR. (advances slightly L.) Is that true Peter? Did 
you put them there? 

DUNN, (perplexed) Well (CORNEY looks at him) 
Yes I suppose I must have done. 

CORN, (over DUNN'S shoulder) Thanks one extra 
lie can't press much on your conscience. 

CORNEY turns to BEATRICE, iclio is R. c. 

BEA. I'm so glad it wasn't you, Corney. 

CORN. So am I. Don't make such a fuss about it, 
Helen, there's no great crime in having photos of pretty 

BEATRICE and CORNEY go up towards dining-room R. H. 
HEL. (at back of table, with a withering glance at 


Duxx) Then we may fairly assume that those yellow- 
backed French novels I found in the study, are yours 

Duxx. (turning c.) Mine!! Look here, Helen 

CORN, (turns quickly, coming back to c.) Helen! 
You're too prying by half! Peter never imagined for a 
moment that you'd rake them out. 

Duxx looks at CORXEY inquiringly. 

HAT. (R.) Oh, Helen; they're not so very dread- 
ful! At least, the one I read wasn't. 

HEL. What! Oh, Carrie! What are we to do? 

CORX. There's not so much harm in these French 
books after all. They're very much over-rated I mean, 

Drxx. I suppose Dobbin sent them up in a mistake 
for a bundle of circulars, (aside to CORXEY. with paper, 
his back to audience) What is it? What's the idea? 

CORX. Old Sillocks! Must stand well with the father. 
It's all right, you can bear it. I cannot stand wrong 

BEA. Corney! 

CORX. Oh, excuse me, Bea. 

Joins BEATRICE and exits with her in earnest conversa- 
tion R. u. E., after pushing HATTIE out of the icay. 

HEL. It is fortunate the servants are ignorant of 
French; it is a blessing they cannot realize the enormity 
of your offence. 

Duxx goes to couch, sitting. 

Duxx. (c.) I'm as bad as the servants Neither 
can I. 

CAR. (crossing to Duxx, sits L. of him) It is fortu- 
nate we detected them before the new Governess ar- 

Duxx. Yes; it wouldn't do to throw temptation in 
her way. 

HAT. (R. of couch) W T hen is she coming, Peter? 

Duxx. I can't tell you that. She has started I be- 
lieve, but has found it agreeable to call on some friends 
at Leamington. 

CAR. Then she may not be here for a day or two. 

Duxx. It looks like it. She has sent her Leamington 
address, so she probably expects a message from us. 

HEL. (coming fiercely to Duxx) Why have you kept 
this knowledge from us? 


DUXN. You could have had it any time for the asking. 

HEL. Where is her note? 

DUNN. There's no occasion to put on that tragedy 
queen expression. Here it is (selects and gives letter.) 

HEL. (crosses L. as she reads) Madeline Mifton, care 
of Mrs. Miller, Barton street. 

HAT. Did she seem a jolly sort of girl? 

HEL. (turning L. corner) She's not engaged to be 

HATTIE with toss of her head, goes up R. 

DUNN. She appeared to me an agreeable kind of per- 
son, and the people at Chester, where she was living, 
spoke very well of her. 

CAR. (arm in DUNN'S) I hope she will be good to 
the children. 

DUNN. Well! She looked the kind of person who 
would be good to the children. 

HEL. You have so little discrimination I ought to 
have gone to Chester myself. 

Goes up L. near fireplace. 

DUNN. Well, nobody stopped you; and you have her 
references anyway. (CARRIE soothes him and up to fire- 
place to HELEN.) 

SILL. I'm sorry you're not going with us, Dunn. 

DUNN, (crossing SILLOCKS and sitting L. of table) 
It's just as well as it happens; I've had a letter from 
Tompkins, saying that he's going to be in town for a 
few hours; he is sure to run in to look at his treas- 

SILL. I saw in the Telegraph that he had bought the 
celebrated statue " Niobe " from the Bernoldi collection; 
is that so? 

DUNN. Yes! I have it here in the house. We have 
insured it for 10,000. 

SILL. A good sum what was your idea of bringing it 

HELEN, HATTIE and CARRIE up at back near fireplace. 

DUNN. Oh! Mr. Tompkin's new mansion, at Henley, 
isn't ready yet; and I did not care to risk it in storage. 

SILL. You don't go in for curiosities yourself? 

DUNN. No! No money in 'em! I've a genuine Rem- 
brandt in the dining-room, said to be worth 12,000. 

SILL. Yours? 


Duxx. No! Tompkins's! Come and have a look at 
it it may be your only chance. Just as well to be able 
to say you've seen these things. 

Exit SILLOCKS and Duxx K. D., both talking; HATTIE fol- 
loics to door, mimicking them; then turns to HELEX. 

HAT. We ought to get our wraps on now. It's a quar- 
ter to eight. 

HEL. (going c.) How impatient you are! 

HAT. No more so than you; only you think it clever 
to look as wooden as a Chinese idol. 

HEL. Hattie! We'll leave you behind if you're not 

HELEX exits c. and R. up stairs. 

HAT. (calling after her) You'd send me to bed with- 
out my supper too, if you could, only I have had it. 

CAR. (icith pretended severity) Don't be so forward, 

CARRIE exits c. and R. up stairs; CORXEY and BEATRICE en- 
ter from R. D., spooning. 

CORX. Oh yes, Bea, if I asked you very sweetly, 
wouldn't you? (HATTIE gets in front of them.) 

BEA. Here is Hattie? 

HAT. (laughing with hands behind her) Disturbed 
again, eh? Poor dears. Can't you get left to yourselves 

CORX. Yes, here if you leave us. Get out. 

CORXEY goes for HATTIE c.; BEATRICE drops doicn R. to 
couch and sits. 

HAT. Now behave Corney, or I'll tell Helen who put 
the photos in the album. 

CORX. Be off, Miss Impudence (runs her off up- 
stairs R. c.) That girl's a terror, (returns to BEA, 
speaking as he comes down) You can't think Beatrice 
(sits on couch) You can't think. 

HAT. (returning) You can think; we haven't much 
time, Bea; you'll be late. 

CORX. Will you get out (CORXEY chases her round 
table and up stairs c. and R. ; he returns) She gets worse- 
and worse! (looking back after HATTIE.) 

BEA. I didn't see anything so dreadful in the photos, 
Corney; if you own up to them, I don't mind. /-.. 


CORN. Oh, well! If you don't mind, I will! 

BEA. I thought they couldn't be poor Mr. Dunn's; he 
looked so innocent. 

CORN, (seated on couch R., laughing) Yes, Peter's 
appearance does rather discount him. 

BEA. It was too bad to infer they were his. 

CORN. Oh, he doesn't mind. We put everything on to 
Peter; and I'm so much afraid of your father's displeas- 
ure; you don't know the treasure you are Bea; and the 
fume a fellow gets in for fear of losing you. (with arm, 
round BEA.) 

BEA. Why should you be so anxious? If your past 
was only blameless. 

CORN, (absent minded) Yes! If it only was! 

BEA. Do you tell me it is not? 

CORN, (quickly) No! Of course I don't, you don't 
think I'm such a jay gay gay deceiver? (turns 
slightly away) If we were only married. Then I 
shouldn't have to be so careful. 

BEA. Have you to be careful? 

CORN. Of myself, yes! But then, you can take care 
of me; and I can be careful of you; and I shan't have to 
invent stories about Art photographs, or French Novels. 

BEA. Novels, Corney? 

CORN. Though they're not really mine; Innings 
brought them here. 

BEA. We've not seen Mr. Innings lately. 

CORN. Not for two or three days; he's away on busi- 

BEA. I thought he had no business to be away upon. 

CORN. No! he has no business to be away, when I 
want him here that is he isn't away on his business. 
It's business of mine. 

BEA. (curiously) Business of yours? 

CORN. Yes! well! pleasure more than business when 
I say pleasure I mean business I wanted a change but 
I couldn't spare the time and Phil could he took the 
change it was really my change; for he paid the time 
before; you know how one fellow will take another fel- 
low's change. He's a most obliging fellow. 

Knock; HATTIE runs doicn stairs. 
HAT. Here's Mr. Innings, Corney! 

HATTIE rushes off L. 
CORN. Thank goodness I was getting a bit mixed. 


(goes L. as INNINGS enters c. from L., HATTIE following.) 
How are you, Phil? 

BEA. Good evening, Mr. Innings! 

I NX. Good evening, Miss Sillocks! 

INNINGS down R. 
BEA. Come Hattie! 

BEATRICE going up c. 

HAT. (c., gushing at INNINGS) Oh, there's heaps of 
time; it's so rude to leave Mr. Innings. 

CORN, (going up to HATTIE) You haven't a minute; 
the carriage is at the door now; I'll do the polite to 

CORXEY sees girls off c. R. up stairs and returns to 

What kept you so long? I expected you yesterday! 

INN. (taking off gloves as he sits on couch) I had 
more to do than I thought. You said 

CORN. (c. anxiously) Never mind what 7 said; what 
have you to sayf Your news? 

INN. Well! I went to Cambridge you know 

CORN. And you have come back, I know, but what. 
did you do there? What have you discovered? 

I NX. I found Ethel 

CORN. Good! 

INN. Was no longer there 

CORN. Then you didn't find her? 

INN. (sitting on couch) No; nor the slightest trace 
of where she had gone. 

CORN, (goes L. and up round table) Then she'll turn 
up when least expected; what a confounded fool I was! 
If the affair reaches old Sillocks's ears, good bye to 
Beatrice; hang it! I'd have discovered something if 
Id gone. (sits R. of table.) 

INN. (rises and coming c. ) It wasn't much, but 7 
discovered something I learnt that Ethel had a sister, 
a governess. Did you know Ethel had a sister, a gov- 

CORN. Yes, but I never saw her! 

IXN. Knew you'd think I hadn't tried, if I didn't find 
out something; so obtained the address of Sister, at a 
situation in Chester went to Chester; sister had left 
referred to a friend. Miss Topping; found Topping; 


worked round stealthily to subject, but the moment I 
mentioned Ethel's name, Miss T. shut up like an Oyster; 
no news there, except that Ethel's sister, Madeline Mif- 

CORN. Yes! 

I xx. Had gone to a situation as governess, in Lon- 
don. Resigned a good situation, for " some ridiculous 
notion " that's what Miss T called it of coming to 
London to look up or hunt down a young man to 
whom her sister was or had been engaged. 

CORX. (delighted) Ridiculous notion! Good for 
Topping! She might as well search for a needle in a 
haystack I'm safe enough. 

Knock; MARY crosses from R. to L. at back. 

Ixx. I wonder she didn't pursue you herself, instead 
of putting the sister on your track. 

CORN. Well, Ethel is something like myself she can- 
not stand worry. 

Door slam; enter MARY c. from L. ; IXXTXGS goes to R. 
of table. 

MARY. Mr. Tompkins! 

CORN. Show him in, and I'll send Mr. Dunn to him. 
(MARY exits to L. ; CORXEY goes over to door R. ) Peter! 
Here's Mr. Tompkins I'm going to the Theatre Phil, so 
I can't stop and entertain you. I'm immensely tickled 
with the idea of the Sister coming to London to hunt me 
down. I shall think of nothing else all the evening. 

DUNN, (speaking as he enters from room R.) How 
tie do, Tompkins, (INNINGS going towards DUNN) why, 
it's Innings! (DUNN down to couch) I thought you 
said Mr. Tompkins was here. 

CORN. He is here. 

Drxx. Where? 

CORN. There! (indicating hall off c.) How you do 
worry, Peter! 

CORNEY and INNINGS exit into dining-room R., as TOMP- 
KIXS enters L. c.; DUNN rises and meets him c. 

TOMP. Let me thank you, Mr. Dunn, for taking such 
particular care of my treasure. It was most consider- 
ate of you to bring it into your own house. 

TOMPKIXS posing L. c. 


DUN?*. (R. c.) Not at all! I was anxious to have it 
unpacked, just to make sure it hadn't suffered in ship- 

TOMP. (enthusiastically taking off gloves) Ah! 
you thought of the centuries that beautiful form had 
retained its completeness, without damage or disfigure- 
ment, and were impressed with a tender, almost loving, 

DUNN. Not a bit! I thought of the loss to our Com- 
pany if it got chipped. There was no sentiment or 
friendship in the business. Sentiment's all very well, 
but there's no money in it. 

DUNN crosses to window, L. c. ; SILLOCKS enters from din- 
ing-room R.; lights begin to go slowly down. 

SILL. (R. c.) How do you do, Mr. Tompkins. I con- 
gratulate you Sir, on the possession of such a gem. 

TOMP. (L. c.) Beautiful, is it not? 

SILL. (R. c. ) Grand! A painting like that 

TOMP. Painting! I am speaking of my Statue, 

SILL. Oh, I haven't seen it. 

TOMP. (c.) Ah, when you do! Where among your 
moderns is a work like it? Where among your Sculp- 
tors, the peer of Phidias, Praxiteles, Scophas or Poly- 
dorus of Rhodes? 

DUNN. (L. of table) And which of the whole lot 
would compare with Edison? 

TOMP. Ah, Dunn! You are not familiar with the 
Elgin Marbles. 

DUNN. Haven't played a game since I was a boy! 
(sits L. of table) 

TOMP. (despondently) Sculpture is dead now Sil- 

SILL. Don't despond Tompkins, it may revive! 

DUNN. Sculpture's right enough in its way but it 
isn't in it with the Telephone, or the Telegraph, or the 
Tape, or the Typewriter. 

TOMP. Ugh! All such inventions tend to warp the 
noblest traits of human nature. 

DUNN. Statues are all right for decorating Parks, but 
there's no money in them. 

SILL. I'm in favor of the modern myself. 

TOMP. And I sigh for the Antique (sits R. of table 
L. c. ) I should like to have lived in the days of Homer! 

DUNN. Not for me. I can't fancy existence without 
cheap postage, fast steamers, and penny-in-the-slot ma- 


chines. I countenance every improvement. Move with 
the times I say, and get ahead of 'em if you can. (rise) 
I'm getting the Electric light put in now; we make our 
connection from the street here, just as you do with 
your gas. 

TOMP. I hate gas. I would go back to the pine torch 
or the days of candles! 

Duxx. (L.) Yes! You're crazed on the subject of 
Early Greece. 

SILLOCKS laughs. 

TOMP. (L. c.) I am, and I glory in it. 

SILL. (R. ) Well for modern tastes, there isn't al- 
ways too much clothing on our remnants of that early 

Duxx. (crosses to SILLOCKS) You're right. That's 
one reason the women objected to the Niobe; and it's 
decent enough for anything. The dress is apparently 
split up a bit on one side, and shows part of the knee. 

TOMP. (enthusiastically) A classic knee, Sir, 
which nothing in nature Modern nature could equal. 

Duxx. (c.) I did manage to have my own way for 
once, and there it is, behind that four-fold screen, which 
boxes it in completely. It's nicely out of the way there 

TOMP. (rising) You'd like to see it, Sillocks? 

SILL. Yes! 

TOMP. A glorious figure, Sir! 

Goes L. and around table. 

DUNN, (up c.) I suppose as Statues go, it is very 
well turned out. 

Swings back fold of screen, showing Statue of Niobe; 
DUNN is now R., holding back two folds of screen; 
red glow from fire. 

TOMP. (L. c. behind table) Lovely! What exqui- 
site moulding That knee especially! 

SILL, (curiously) What's she supposed to be doing? 

TOMP. (back of table) Weeping! You know the 
story of Niobe. The gods wearied of her incessant 
tears: turned her into stone. 

DUNN. She'd make an elegant ornament for a family 

TOMP. Sillocks! I would not take ten thousand 
pounds for that Statue. 


Drxx. Sillocks won't tempt you! 

TOMP. (with enthusiasm) This beautiful image was 
dug up in the ruins of Thebes in 1785; it passed into 
the hands of a Florentine gentleman; but in 1S25 Count 
Bernoldi purchased it and it remained in his collection, 
till I tempted his grandson, a spendthrift youth, with an 
offer he could not resist. Oh, how perfectly that nose is 
chiselled, and that shoulder 

Duxx. That cold shoulder 

TOMP. (approaching Statue) What are those wires 
around the feet? 

MARY, (who is seen "busy in hall c. quickly) Excuse 
me, Sir, don't touch them; the Electric man said as 
you were to be very careful with the wires. 

Duxx. The connection with the street is made then? 
(Duxx closes the screen and lights go up again) 

MART. (c. in doorway) Yes, Sir! But he hadn't 
time to bury the wires under the floor to-day; so he 
wrapped 'em round the feet of the Statue, where they 
wouldn't be likely to hurt no one. 

Duxx. Who the devil gave him permission to touch 
the figure? Don't you know you are expressly forbid- 
den to touch the figures? 

Ladies come doicn stairs to halhvay; CORXEY and. 
IXXIXGS from E. in hallway join them. 

MARY. Miss Griffin, Sir! 

Duxx. Oh Miss That'll do! 

MARY exits at back R. 

N. B. After Duxx closes screen NIOBE removes white 
wig, makes up, etc., for re-appearance in the flesh. 

TOMP. Confound your modern appliances! They 
managed to get alor-r without them in Attica! Bah! 
We might all have been killed! 

TOMPKIXS crosses L. corner; lights going up. 

Duxx. (c.) Not this time. The pressure isn't on. 
SILL. How do you know that? 

Duxx. (following TOMPKIXS, crosses to window L.) 
Because the lights in the street are not going yet. 

BIE advance from hallway c. 


CORN, (putting on gloves) Sorry Phil, that you 
can't come along with us. (CORNEY down L. c. ) 
INN. I'm not dressed to go to the Theatre. 
CAR. What a pity there isn't another seat? 

CARRIE comes down R.; SILLOCKS gets up back of ladies 
to centre. 

HAT. Oh, you must come, Mr. Innings. 

HEL. (coming c.) If you will give up your seat to 
Mr. Innings. 

INN. (protestingly) No, no! 

DUNN. If you are all settled in your seats, let me in- 
troduce Mr. Tompkins, Mr. Hamilton 'iompkins, my wife 
(ladies get into line with CORNEY top; DUNN waving 
Ms hand comprehensively) My wife's family. 

CORN, (waving his hand) How are you, Tompkins? 

HEL. We are delighted to meet you. 

All ladies in row curtsey rather marked; CARRIE is R. 
corner, HELEN next, HATTIE next, BEA next to COR- 

SILL. (c. at back) Come along, Mrs. Dunn; we shall 
"be late! 

CARRIE exits c. and L. with SILLOCKS. 

CORN. Come on Phil, give you arm to Hattie, and 
pilot her to the carriage. 

BEA. Some of us will have to walk; the brougham 
will only hold four. 

Exit CORNEY and BEATRICE, others following c. and L. 

HAT. Mr. Innings can sit on my lap. (exits taking 
INNING'S arm.) 

HEL. Hattie! I can do nothing with her, 

Exit HELEN c. and L.; slam of door; lights slowly going 

TOMP. (front of table) All your wife's family? 

DUNN, (c., coming down) Nearly! 

TOMP. Some of your own? 

DUNN. Oh no! I married out of my own family cir- 
cle into my wife's I got rid of one Griffin by changing 
it to a Dunn, and three other Griffins sprang up in its 


place. Takes it out of the Phenix, don't it? (rings bell 
on table) 

.MARY enters R. c.; Duxx signs to her; she exits R. D. 

TOM P. (crosses R.) Griffin! Griffin! Was that your 
wire's maiden name? 

DUNN. Yes! The Griffins of Brentford. 

To MP. (os if thinking, sitting on couch R.) Indeed!' 
Unless I'm much mistaken, there was quite a scandal 
years ago about a Miss Griffin of Brentford, but that 
could not be your wife? 

Duxx. No, but it might be Helen! And oh, if it 
were! Tompkins, if you could only find out for certain, 
and place me in possession of the facts 

TOMP. (on couch) I certainly can and will with 
pleasure. I think (bus.) she eloped with the coachman. 

Enter MARY with trays, fir inks, 3 glasses, Decanter, 
glass jug, with a little water in it, and exit R. c. 

Duxx. Helen eloped! Eureka! I see the dawn of 
emancipation Tompkins, do I look like a slave? (c.) 

TOMP. (eyeing Duxx) No, I don't see that you do! 

Duxx. (c.) But I am we all are this is Uncle 
Tom's Cab'n; I'm Uncle Tom, and Helen Griffin is my 
Legree. (crosses L. of table) But provided with such a 
weapon, I could rear the standard of revolt and free our 
beloved home. 

Duxx L. of table with decanter; TOMPKIXS follows 
Duxx to R. of table. 

TOMP. The intelligence shall be yours, (sits R. of 

Duxx. The few of my own people that are left, I 
never see, never hear of. My own dear little sister 
Mabel has never been asked to visit us. The Griffin 
has never fixed her Basilisk eye on her, and apparently 
doesn't want to. 

TOMP. The attendant ills of married life! Ah! The 
women will never victimize me. 

They drink. 

Duxx. (sitting L. of table) Ah Tompkins! Don't be 
too sure of that. You never know what it is that gives 
you indigestion, but you get it just the same. 


TOMP. I shall never marry, if you mean that; T 
would not marry a modern, and I'm not likely to meet 
with an Antique. 

DUNN. I've a Maiden Aunt; the one my Sister's with, 
who is antique enough for anything. 

TOMP. (interested) How far back does she go? 

DUNN. Well, past the middle ages; she's over sixty; 
but it's the rarity of her that would attract you, Tomp- 

TOMP. (indignantly rising, going R. ) Sir, I'm not 
forming a museum of curiosities, but a gallery of Art 

DUNN, (rising) Yes! Of course! Are you going 

MARY enters from c. and L. with trunk; TOMPKINS put- 
ting gloves on c. 

MARY, (c.) Here's a trunk, Sir, has been delivered 
for a Miss Mifton. 

DUNN. Miss Mifton! Oh, the Governess's trunk. She 
said it would be sent on. Leave it there, Mary. We'll 
get it carried up bye and bye. I remember she said in 
her letter it would be sent on. 

MARY places trunk near R. of c. doorway and goes to 
turn up lamp on stand below fireplace. 

DUNN. Never mind the lamp, Mary; I'll turn it up 
myself when I want it; (MARY exits c. and R.) I like 
to sit in the gloaming! What's your hurry Tompkins? 
Sit down and take another drink. 

TOMP. I am due at the Antiquarian Society. A dis- 
cussion on what History owes to numismatics! 

DUNN. Well, go and fix the amount and get History 
to settle up Good evening! Mary! Oh! Good even- 
ing, Tompkins! (lights down low) 

MARY appears c. and R., ushers TOMPKINS out L. c., then 
crosses to R. at oack, 

DUNN, (goes to Statue again, softly humming a tune) 
A pretty thing for our Company if that idiot had dam- 
aged his Statue with those infernal wires. Just like my 
beautiful sister-in-law, to give permission to wrap them 
round the figure, just to show that my wishes were of 
no account. I'll get a staple and padlock to-morrow; 
and fasten that screen up like a packing case, (sits on 


sofa) I suppose the Electricity can't affect the marble; 
ha! it's such a mysterious agent, one never knows what 
it may do. P'raps I'd better light up. I wonder what's 
the matter with the Electric lamps in the street? 
(crosses at front of table L. c. and looks out of window) 
They're generally making the gas look sickly before this 
must be something wrong this evening. Ah! There 
it goes! (flash on electric light outside window, flood- 
ing stage, DUNN sits L. of table L. c.) Well! That's 
light enough to think by. (low moan: weird music be- 
gins) What's that? (moan) Some Psychological phe- 
nomenon! An omen of some kind! (rising, towards 
window; NIOBE extending her arms, pushes open screen 
and is seen moving, as if awakening to life; DUNN 
.sloicly turns) Great Heavens! The Statue's alive! 

Falls on knees at chair L. of table. 

Nio. My feet! Oh, Amphion! Amphion! 

DUNN, (looking at Statue) Is this nightmare? Am 
I dreaming? 

Nio. My feet! This thrill! A liquid fire seems 
coursing through my veins. Ah! 

As if bursting the spell steps down from pedestal, re- 
mains, making picture. 

DUNN. No! No! It can't be that I don't drink 
to that extent. 

NIODE comes slowly down c., examining room in wonder- 
ment; goes round up n. and then deliberately to c.; 
DUNN, who has crouched behind or beside table, dis- 
arranges himself, tie, hair, etc.; then crawls round 
table up c., as NIOBE turns and confronts him. he 
shrinks back on to knees, hands on chair. Music 
ceases. NIOBE comes near DUNN regarding him with 
amazement; picture. 

Nio. Hail to thee! What man art thou? How came 
you in this strange guise? Are you a slave? 

DUNN. Yes No Certainly not! (aside) There's 
no use in letting every stranger know I'm a cipher in 
my own house. 

Nio. A Lord? 

DUNN, (timidly rising) Lord and Master! (aside) 
I can truthfully say it while Helen is not on the prem- 


NIOBE approaches Duxx before speaking, he backs away 
from her. 

Nio. How strange! (goes lower and regarding him, 
back to audience) How strange! 

Duxx. (with wonderment) Strange! She thinks, 
me strange! If she could only change places and regard 
herself, and doubt the existence of her faculties, as I do 
(NIOBE now moves, going up R. ) When I see her 
move and hear her speak. No! I've got to believe it. 
It's the Electricity. She's there alive, Niobe herself; 
not a Statue. And I'm not dreaming, or drunk or de- 
mented, (staggers front of table) 

NIOBE has looked round apartment. 

Nio. (advancing c.) Who has made these changes? 
Where's Amphion? Is he not yet back from Olympia? 

Duxx. (getting L. of table, half frightened) I'm sure 
I don't know he'll be some time yet; if he is staying 
for the Ballet. 

Nio. Who has won the Kotinos of poetry? My Am- 
phion was the Alutarches. 

Duxx. Very likely! But he isn't now! I'm afraid 
you don't quite realize what has happened to you. That 
you have just been revived I suppose as it were: 
That you're not in your Palace here, but mine! That 
we are now in Anno Domini 1896, and that the trifling 
events you're thinking and speaking of, occurred about 
one thousand years B. C.; before you changed your mor- 
tal flesh into Parian marble. 

During this speech, NIOBE, her hand to her head, appears 
to be trying to recall the past. 

Nio. (as if recollecting coming down stage) Ah! 
No! The gods! Knowledge returns; alas! Phrebus 
and Artemis punished me Changed! Ah fate! Oh, my 
unhappy fate, (kneeling, sobs bitterly) 

Drxx. (L. c.) That's a settler I never can; I never 
could bear to see a woman cry Never! There, don't 
grieve, dear; you were turned into stone, but you've 1 
turned out all right; don't cry! Please don't cry. 

Nio. Ah me! That I so easily am moved. 

Duxx. Well, it took eight men to carry you in here. 

Nio. (crosses L.) I'll dry these tears, the cause or 
my hard lot. 

Duxx. The hardest lot ever put up; when you con- 


sider you've gone all these years without so much as 
having your nose chipped off! Why, you've been buried 
for centuries. ( NIOBE looks at him in wonder) And 
if they hadn't started exploring the ruins of some of 
those old Temples, you'd be there still. I'm aware it's 
a delicate subject with a lady, but I should estimate 
you must be close on three thousand years old. 

Nio. (looking at him indignantly) How? 

DUNN, (backing away from NIOBE) Oh, you don't 
look it! 

Nio. (L.) Three thousand years! Oh, Zeus, and 
now the ban, the curse of mighty Phffibus is removed. 

DUNN, (c.) Yes! And Phoebus is gone, too. 

NIOBE goes up L. behind and round table to c. 

Nio. And all is new! Is this the Hesitaterion? The 
Throni are strange, the Katoptron collossal. 

DUNN. Yes, you've got to do things big now-a-days. 

Nio. (approaching DUNN c.) You truly say, the ages 
have rolled by; my husband, children, dead! In all the 
world, I have no one but you. (taking his hand) 

DUNN, (snatching hand away crosses to L. of her) 
No one but me! You've no claim on me; that is I 
have no claim on you! 

Nio. (quickly) Ah yes! I am no ingrate; take all 
my love; you gave new life to me, and I am yours. 

Falls upon his neck, embracing him. 

DUNN. White Elephants, what am I going to do with 
her? (NIOBE turns him round to B. of her) 

Nio. (holding him at arm's length) You are not 
much to look at; (DUNN turns away) but your heart 

DUNN. (B. c.) Now don't count upon that. And 
don't indulge in expectations that can never be realized. 

Nio. Your mien is soft (hand on his head) Have 
you a noble name? 

DUNN. Peter Amos 

Nio. (gushingly) Petramos! Petramos! And I will 
love Petramos, as I have loved Amphion; and there will 
be no happier twain in Greece! 

She has taken his hands, and now swings them about 

DUNN. Yes you're mapping it all out, but it can't 
be; for a variety of reasons: In the first place, we're 
not in Greece, (crosses L.) 


Nio. (in wonderment, getting c.) Not in Greece? 

DUNN, (returning to her) No! We're in London, 
the Capital of a little Island called Great Britain, hun- 
dreds of miles from Thebes. 

Nio. You speak our tongue. And are you not a 

DUNN. (L. c.) Not much! And we're not speaking 
Greek, but English though how you picked it up is a 
mystery to me. 

Nio. We understand each other, that's enough. What 
else there is to know, I'll learn from you, now that I'm 
settled here. 

Nestling up to and resting against him. 

DUNN, (alarmed) But you're not settled here! And 
it's out of the question! (he speaks very angrily and 
NIOBE starts to soft) No, no! You're a very charming 
lady and personally I shouldn't object to your stopping 
for a week or so, but I have a wife! 

Nio. But you are Lord and could put her away. 

DUNN. Oh could I! And she has an elder sister. Per- 
haps you could tell me what I'm going to do with her? 

Nio. It is not hard! Why, sell her for a slave! 

DUNN, (goes ~L.) I should like to, but I don't think 
anybody would buy Helen unless a great big life in- 
surance policy went along with her; besides Slavery is 
abolished, and if you weren't so ignorant you'd know 
that; and know how wrong it is to fill one with delusive 
hopes like these. 

DUNN goes towards window. 

Nio. Ah, be not angered with me, Petramos. If 
you reject me, life restored is wrecked, and I shall die. 

NIOBE kneels and sobs. 

DUNN (returns again L. c.) Well, after three thou- 
sand years, you can't complain if you have to. You've 
had a pretty good innings. She's at it again. I can't 
stand hearing a woman cry like this, and she is pretty, 
considering what a back number she is. Don't cry, stop 
it, don't cry, please there's a dear, (patting her head) 

Nio. (clinging to him rise) And you do love me, 

DUNN. Oh, well in a way! (NIOBE suddenly crying) 
Don't! don't cry! Yes! Yes! 


NIOBE instantly cheerful, standing erect. 

Nio. And we will sacrifice to Dusky Dis; and pray 
him to take your wife to Hades, (pose) 

Duxx. But I don't want my wife to go to who's 
Dusky Dis? Some Nigger Minstrel? 

Nio. The stern proud God of Tartarus! 

Duxx. (disgusted) Oh, he's played out long ago; 
there's no such party you mustn't suppose the world 
has been standing still while you've been in a state of 
Petrifaction; we've been going ahead, and the gods 
had to knock under. 

DUXN sits R. of table. 

Nio. (c.) No Gods? No Zeus? No Aphrodite? 

Duxx. Not one! Except in Heathen mythology 
why you're a heathen. 

Nio. I am! 

Duxx. A Pagan idolater, and you'll have to be con- 
verted. . 

Nio. I was converted. 

Duxx. Eh? 

Nio. Into stone! 

Duxx. Not that! You'll have to go to school, and 
learn the Piano, and the Alphabet. 

Nio. Alphabet Ah! (action with hands) Alpha, 
Beta, Gamma, Delta. 

Duxx. (rises) Very likely! But that doesn't get 
over the difficulty of what is going to be done with you; 
and look at it as we will you cannot remain here. 

Nio. (R. c.; after slight pause) I have no friends! 
No home! Where can I go? 

Duxx. Your case has not been altogether unprovided 
for; as there is a home for lost dogs, so also is there an. 
asylum for ladies in distress. 

Nio. Can I go out into a vicious world in direst ig- 
norance of all its ways? 

Duxx. Oh, I don't suppose it's any worse than it was 
in your time. (NIOBE sobs) You're quite right, you 
can't, and it would be brutal to send you out, at this time 
cf night too. 

NIOBE sits on front of pedestal. 

Nio. The gods, alas, are angered with me still, (sob- 

Duxx. She's at it again! No wonder the gods got 


tired. Don't! please don't cry; and we'll hit upon some 
plan; if I only knew what to say to my family, (stands 
dejectedly c.) 

Nio. Say whence I came and how tell them the 

Duxx. Tell them what? What d'ye take me for? 
Some outrageous, ridiculous lie might pass muster, but 
the truth, a truth like this! you couldn't ask them to be- 
lieve it. George Washington would have found this too 
strong for his veracity. 

Nio. (R. c.) Who is Washington? 

Duxx. Oh, he was an American fghting man; you 
wouldn't know him. You were before his time, (looks 
at u-atch, at window) Is that the time? (goes round 
table to window; NIOBE meamvhile lies full length on 
stage, head to R. on stool) They'll be home from the 
Theatre presently; what am I to do? (turning up from 
window, comes down centre) 

Sees NIOBE and covers her feet icith drapery -from piano 
and goes again anxiously to window; MARY enter? 
L. c., going to fire; Duxx rushes her off R. c. 

Duxx. I'll ring if I require coals. I'll ring, Mary, 
ring (coming down c.) Madame! Niobe! You 
can't be seen like that, you must do something with 
yourself ( NIOBE half rises) You'd better go upstairs 
and put some of my wife's clothes on! 

Nio. (kneeling) I tore my Peplos in excess of grief! 

Duxx. Yes! Yes! I see you did; go upstairs, and 
dress while I think out some plan. 

Duxx R. as if in great worry, as NIOBE rises, moving 
up c. 

Nio. (turning l>ack) I fear I don't know how to 
dress myself. 

Duxx. Oh, well, 7 can't! You must try, try! up the 
stairs there on the right first door when you reach 
the top. 

Nio. Petramos! All my will I'll yield to thine, 
Do thou but clear thy brow of fretfulness. 
Thy anger, linked with fury of the gods 
I could not bear! I could not bear! 

NIOBE exits weeping up stairs c. R., the footlights up 
through this scene, to assist the comedy, now low 


Duxx. (staggered sits end of couch a pause) 
What an uncompleted idiot I am. My wife will recog- 
nize her clothes (running to stairs, sees trunk which 
he secures and brings down stage) The Governess's 
trunk! If my keys will only fit it, no, no! They never 
do Yes that's lucky! (raising lid of trunk and clos- 
ing it again) How clever you thought yourself, Peter 
Amos Dunn, when you suggested to yourself bringing 

that d d Statue into the house. It isn't there! It 

isn't there! (closes screen looks round straightens 
room picks up drapery, etc.; crosses to mirror, re-ar- 
ranges himself, tie, smooths hair, goes down L. of table 
and pours himself a drink, hand shakes. He cannot get 
it to his mouth; sops his handkerchief and putting it to 
his brow ,crosses and sits on trunk. Loud knock at 
door; Duxx jumping up; shoulders trunk and rushes 

Knocking; MARY crosses R. to L. ; IXXIXGS then enters, 
MARY following L. c. 

I xx. Not back yet, eh? 

MARY. No Sir! (going doivn L. to lamp) 

I .NX. (looking at watch) Oh, well, they won't be 
long, it's close upon eleven, (sits on sofa R.) 

MARY. I will turn up the lamp, Sir, I thought the 
Master was here. 

MARY turns up lamp; lights full on. 

Ixx. They'd have stretched a point and taken me 
with them, but for that confounded Helen. Perhaps 
they're walking, it's a beautiful night. 

Duxx enters c. and R. down stairs. 

Duxx. (worried and anxious down c.) Ah! that's 
right, Mary, let's have a light on the subject (starts 
at seeing IXXIXGS) Back before them, eh Innings? 
But they can't be long it's so hot, so late what's that 
is not that a carriage? 

MARY. No, Sir! 

Duxx. (L .c.) I said not I said not don't argue, 
Mary; don't argue (has got near table, takes up 
empty water jug and empty glass) Why have you no 
water here? How can I be expected to wash drink 
if you have no water (loud knock MARY frightened of 
him rushes round front of table to R.) 


DUNN backs to centre; he keeps water jug and glass 
until end of act. 

INN. (R.) There they are! 

DUNN. I knew they'd return (knock) They'll 
have to come in, won't they? (knock to MARY) Go! 
Go! And open the door; don't stand there like an idiot. 

MARY exits c. and L. 

INN. You're very fidgetty, Dunn, what's wrong? 
DUNN. Wrong! Do I look as if I was, why why 
should there be anything wrong? 

Savagely to INNINGS; INNINGS afraid, crosses to L. cor- 

INN. I never saw you like this before. 
DUNN. I never was like this before. 

Falls into chair R. of table L. c. 

HAT. (entering c., comes down to back of DUNN) 
Peter! (DUNN starts up) It was too delightful for any- 
thing. I'm so sorry you didn't come. 

DUNN drops again in chair as HATTIE goes R. taking 
off gloves, etc., etc.; CORNEY enters L. c. 

DUNN. So am I I'd have given a hundred pounds 
to have been with you. 

CORN, (c., taking off gloves) Hundred pounds! Oh, 
come! What for? 

DUNN. Wh er It's a favourite play of mine. 

CORN, (crossing to L.) Pygmalion and Galatea? 

DUNN. Was that it? 

CORN. Yes! Lovely girl, Galatea. Never saw any- 
thing like her as the Statue. 

DUNN, (starting up) Statue! W T hat's the matter 
with the Statue? (rushing to screen, meets CARRIE, 
who enters L. c., coming front screen) Eh! Ha! Ha! 
And did you enjoy it, Carrie? 

CAR. (R. c. ) Very much, Peter! (HELEN enters L. c., 
remains up c.) 

DUNN, (wild and exhausted ivith worry) Ah! How 
interesting those old legends are; how beautiful the 
revive animating of the Statue! And if you were 
told of such a wonder now-a-days, you you wouldn't 
believe it perhaps. 


Music till end of act. Comic Agitato. 

HEL. (coming down c.) Now-a-days, nor any other 
time. No woman of ordinary intelligence could he de- 
ceived by such a story. 

Duxx back to audience R. c., looking anxiously from one 
to the other. 

CORX. (L. of table near IXXIXGS) And what's your 
idea of Galatea? 

HEL. (going towards chair R. of table) That she was 
some infamous creature whom Pygmalion had brought 
into his household; and that the Statue tale, was made 
up to hoodwink his confiding wife, (sits) 

CAR. Ah!! Quite possible. 

CARRIE back of sofa. 

Drxx. (falling on stool front of couch) No use! I 
knew the truth was no use. 

NIOBE enters R. c. in en eccentric but stylish tea robe. 

Nio. (speaking as she advances c.) I have obeyed 
you, Petramos, and I am here (all turn to her) 

Duxx rises frightened, getting R. of NIOBE. 

HEL. Who is this? 

Dr. NX. (R. c. introducing) The new Governess, 
Miss Mifton! 

Coux. Miss Mifton 

Ixx. There! I told you so! 

Looks at IXXIXGS and falls into chair L. of table, the 
others grouped, scrutinizing NIOBE. 

Nio. (with her accustomed action) Hail to you! 


SCEXE. Drxx's drawing-room, the opposite end to Act 
I. Conservatory with steps at back c. Bay window 


R. Plain window or blank piece above. Blank piece 
or Alcove L. Door above to Library. Table R. c. ivith 
chairs. Couch L. Footstool L. c. ' Screen is not on; 
is supposed to be at audience side of room. Piano 
against flat. Paper on table. 

HELEN up c. and CARRIE at icindow R. dressed for icalk- 
ing; discovered interviewing MARY, up L. c. 

HEL. Can. you not tell us Mary, at what hour she 

MARY. I don't know, ma'am I didn't hear her come 
and I didn't let her in. 

HEL. You hear Carrie, he let her in himself. 

CAR. (R. c.) I don't see why we should attach any 
importance to that! 

MARY. No Ma'am, for she might have got in by her- 
self; she is the strangest person I ever met, Ma'am. 

HEL. In what way? 

HATTIE enters L., goes to couch, playing with mechan- 
ical toy. 

MARY. Why, the name she gives things. She asked 
me at breakfast to hand her the Mazas, and when I 
didn't understand her, she called me Helot, and pointed 
to the muffins. 

HAT. If you're talking about Miss Mifton, she is a 
treat. She's got a new name for sausages. 

CAR. If she will only be good to the children. 

HAT. You needn't worry about that. If you'd seen 
the way she wept over them, and kissed and fondled 
them. And called them Hippicus and Alophagos. 

HEL. (sternly) Who are they? 

HAT. Oh, I didn't like to ask some connections of 
her own, perhaps. 

HEL. No doubt! They are sufficiently outlandish; the 
idea of a Governess, wandering about the house in an 
extravagant tea gown; impertinence I call it. 

MARY. I suppose we're to take our orders from you 
as usual, Mum? 

HEL. Yes! Certainly! 

MARY. Thank ye! I don't want to have that person 
lording it over me. 

MABY exits L. D. with an indignant toss of her head. 
CAR. (R.) She's no doubt one of those highly emo- 


tional creatures, who grow hysterical at almost any- 

HEL. (coming slightly forward) Carrie, you're so 
confiding; such affectation wouldn't suit inc. 

CAR. But you always were superior to ordinary 
woman's weakness. 

HAT. Weakness! Oh, there's no flipperty flop about 

HEL. (advances towards HATTIE) Hattie! When 
you are more like me, you will have more cause for 

HAT. Oh! I've nothing against myself as I am. 

CAR. When we return you must examine her Helen, 
and find out if she is competent to teach the children. 

HEL. I will, but take my word for it, the Woman is 
a fraud. She knows nothing that is desirable. In 
knowledge and learning she is little better than an 
idiot; I could see that in her face last night. 

HAT. Helen's a judge of idiots. 

HEL. Hattie! You're growing more impudent every 

HAT. Well, if I keep on, I'll grow out of it. 

CAR. I wonder when Peter saw her at Chester that 
he wasn't impressed with her appearance. 

HEL. (with malicious meaning) Perhaps he was! 

CAR. She might be the advanced guard of a gang of 
thieves, and Peter has some such thought, perhaps, as 
he has not gone to the office. 

HEL. Your confiding nature does you credit, Carrie, 
but you are too ingenuous. He may be actuated by mo- 
tives far less praiseworthy. 

CAR. What do you mean, Helen? 

HEL. I would not say Carrie, for I make it a rule 
never to stir up ill feeling between man and wife. 
(going up c.) 


I NX. (on steps) Good morning, Ladies! Corney 
gone out yet? 

CAR. He is still engaged with his breakfast. He is 
always late after a Theatre night. 

CARRIE exits c. and R. 

HEL. (severely and pointedly) His indolence is a 
source of great inconvenience to us all. 

HELEN exits c. and R. INNINGS looking at HATTIE on 
sofa crosses to window, putting hat on chair B. of 


table in recess of window, produces "box of chocolate. 1 } 
which he places ready for business later; then, half 
frightened, gets extreme K. at window. 

INN (E.) They're gone! 

HAT. (on sofa) Yes! I see they are! You didn't 
intend that for information did you? It was only 
only just a something to say to fill up a page kind of 
remark, wasn't it? 

INN. (at window) That's all simply to call your at- 
tention to the fact that we are alone. 

HAT. Oh, you needn't have called; my attention was 
rivetted; but I don't feel in the least embarrassed; 
do you? 

INN. No! 

HAT. Well why aren't you embarrassed? (rises, 
coming to c.) 

INN. Don't see what there is about you to frighten a 

HAT. I don't believe you're so bold as you pretend; 
judging from the respectful distance you keep. 

INN. Don't you want me to be respectful? 

HAT. Why of course, but you needn't be distant. 

INN. (crosses slowly to her) If I thought' by coming 
nearer, I should be getting dearer 

HAT. Wouldn't you be getting costly? You're pretty 
near now! 

INN. (B. c. getting closer to HATTIE; HAT. bus. ) 
So are you, Hattie. You're pretty near and pretty far, 
but the nearer I am the sweeter you are. Ha! Ha! 

HAT. Oh! You don't natter yourself much to think 
that your proximity makes me sweeter. 

Sarcastically; turning from him. 

INN. To me! I mean in my opinion! Oh, Hattie! 

HAT. (quickly) What is it, Philip? (whisking 

INN. (turning away) I wonder how long Corney 
usually takes over his breakfast. 

HAT. Oh, I can go and ask him, if that's all you want 
to know. 

HATTIE going up L. 

INN. (pulling her back by her dress; she in mis- 
chief runs for chair, trying to sit upon his hat, which 
he saves) Oh, Hattie! oh my! oh I I don't want to- 
know particularly. 


COBNEY enters quietly from Library up L., sees them 
and goes out again. 

It's good enough to stay here and go on wondering 

with you. Of course I don't want to wonder by 
myself. Oh, Rattle! 

HAT. Oh, Mr. Innings, (gushingly) 

INNINGS, kneeling beside HATTIE, embraces her; CORXEY 
sings outside; HATTIE and INNINGS hurriedly get away 
from each other; HATTIE goes and sits on couch L.; 
INNINGS goes extreme B. to windoiv recess. 

CORN, (entering L. and down c.; sings) 
" When the heart in palpitating is impressed with fear, 
You're pleased to find a being where there's no one near 
And whisper foolish nothings no one else may hear, 
That is love! That is love! " 

Do you know, Phil, I've been haunted by that song 
ever since you started me at it; Hattie's crazed on it 

HAT. Oh, Corney! Why I'm only learning it. 

CORN. Yes, but you've nearly mastered it I can see. 
(looks at INNINGS) I interrupted your practice, didn't I? 

HAT. (impertinently up in his face) I don't under- 

CORN, (pushing her up c.) Oh, yes you do! See if 
you can find my cigar case in the Conservatory; I rather 
fancy I left it there last night. 

CORNEY turns down stage L.; INNINGS gives HATTIE &oor 
of chocolates quickly; as COBNEY turns on exclamation 
they separate. 

HAT. Oh chocks! (to INNINGS) We can resume our 
conversation some other time, Mr. Innings. 

INN. I was going to ask you if we couldn't, and will 
you please make a note of where we left off? 

HAT. (sings) " And whisper foolish nothings no one 
else may hear. 
That is love! That is " Ugh! (at COBNEY) 

INNINGS stands up c. looking after HATTIE, throwing 
kisses to her echo's "That is love That is " 

CORN, (after watching INNINGS, swings down stage 
near couch) Come here Phil! Never mind Hattie, 
she'll keep. Anything fresh? Have you learnt anything 


INN. There's nothing new to learn that I can see. 
Madeline Mifton's here, and you've got to prepare for 
the worst, (lies on couch putting his legs up. 

CORN, (c.) It is the most striking coincidence I 
ever heard of; that the sister of the girl I jilted should 
take the place of Governess, and come here, by the 
merest accident. 

INN. Do you suppose it was accident? 

CORN. Oh, come Phil you don't think it was de- 

INN. I do! Didn't I tell you last evening that she 
was coming to London to hunt you down? 

CORN. Yes! But who could realize such persistency 
outside a Goboriau Novel. 

INN. Have you seen her yet? 

CORN. Not this morning she's in the nursery with 
the children. She's very like her sister. There's some- 
thing wierd about her, but the exact type of features. 
(crosses R. c.) 

INN. What do you intend to do? Have you made up 
your mind? 

CORN. Yes! (crossing back to him) I've decided 
to get you to talk to her, Phil 

INN. (sits up) Me? 

CORN. You can give it her straight show her clearly 
that I was cajoled into proposing to her sister, that it 
was really Ethel's fault, and that she's entirely to blame 
for the whole business, and there you are! 

INN. I couldn't do it; it doesn't seem nice to throw 
all the blame on to the girl. 

CORN. It belongs to her, Phil besides, my boy, you 
know that the least thing upsets me. I cannot stand 
worry; now you can; (INNINGS rises) you have one of 
those oxydised-zinc constitutions. 

INN. No, I haven't! I'm just as susceptible to worry 
as you. 

CORN. You mean to say you won't do it? 

INN. No! I can't! 

CORN. You can't? 

INN. (emphatically) No! Damn! there! I don't see 
why I should, (crosses R. and round table) 

CORN. Oh, well, then, Peter will have to do it. I'll 
get Peter to talk to her. (goes L.) 

INN. (up R.) That's the best way. He won't mind. 

Enter DUNN from Library L. n. with scent bottle, pale 
and careworn, crosses and sits on chair L. of table. 


CORN. I'd rather you did it; because I shall have to 
disclose the whole escapade to Peter. And he hasn't 
a particularly good opinion of me as it is. 

INN. I doubt if he could have a worse, so it can't 
make much difference. 

CORN, (seeing DUNN) Good morning, Peter (DUNN 
scowls at him) Seen you before though, haven't I? (to 
INNINGS) Peter looks jolly, doesn't he? Innings, you'll 
find Hattie in the Conservatory looking for my cigar 
case, which I have in my pocket. 

INN. All right! I'll see if we can't resume that con- 
versation where you broke in on it; (sings) "And 
whisper foolish nothings, no one else may hear, That is 
love! That is " (voice cracks) 

INNINGS exits c. and R. 

CORN, (after slight pause looks at DUNN) Peter, 
old man! You don't look well. 

DUNN. I don't feel well; I've been walking my room 
the whole of the night. I haven't slept a wink. 

CORN. Neither have I; but sleeplessness doesn't break 
me up nearly so quickly as worry. / cannot stand 
worry; and that is why I want to speak with you about 
this new Governess. 

DUNN, (startled) What! Why should there be any 
worry about the new Governess? (aside) Can he sus- 

CORN. It's no use trying to disguise it, Peter, she is 
not what she seems. 

DUNN, (amazed and frightened) Not what she 

CORN. She hasn't come here to teach the children 
at all. 

DUNN, (rising) Great goodness, how did he learn 
this! (aside) 

CORN. It was hard to believe, but a good look at her 
face settled it; she's the very image 

DUNN. Image! (aside) He knows all. (crosses L.) 

CORN. I'm pretty shrewd Peter, and I suspect I've 
summed up the whole business. 

DUNN, (aside) Oh! He's not sure, then I won't be- 
tray myself. I'll brazen it out. (sits on couch) 

CORN, (aside, down R. c.) If I could only induce 
him to get rid of her, without disclosing anything. 

DUNN, (on sofa) I've told you before Corney, how 
wrong it is to jump to these conclusions; you may mis- 
judge this woman and her purpose and object entirely, 
and, right or wrong, Corney, I'm blameless. 


CORN, (aside) Ah! Peter knows she's unpopular 
with the women and that the blame of engaging her will, 
fall upon him. (fetching chair from table) That's all 
very well with me, Peter! (puts chair near couch and 
sits astride it, facing audience.) 

DUNN, (aside) With him! That means, at the worst 
I can buy him off! 

CORN. But Helen and Carrie are prejudiced, and nat- 
urally perhaps. You can't deny there is something un- 
canny about the woman. 

DUNN. There is perhaps a stony look about the 
eyes; but that will wear off. 

CORN. It's hard to believe that she is of the same- 
clay as ourselves. 

DUNN. Clay! She was never clay. 

CORN. She might have been cast in a different mould. 

DUNN. She's not a casting at all so 

CORN. Of course there's no denying she's beautiful. 
But I've a prejudice against these classic expressionless, 
women; these cold 'blocks of marble. 

DUNN, (as if paralyzed) Marble you do know 

CORN, (looks at DUNN quickly) I know what you- 
ougnt to have known the moment you saw her, that 
she was not the sort of thing, that that it wouldn't, 
do to have her about the house. 

DUNN. I did know it, Corney, and I have tried. I 
"have tried to get her away, but I can't. 

CORN. Obdurate and unforgiving, eh? As I sus- 
pected; she has a heart of stone. 

DUNN. Well, she had; of course that was changed 
with the other alterations. 

CORN, (rises and puts chair back by table) What? 
She relents? She wavers in her purpose? Then let 
her go. The matter's simple enough: pack her off! 

DUNN, (rises) But I can't! It's all so brutal. 

CORN, (with foot on stool) Oh, she's told you the 
whole story, eh? but remember my version will put an 
entirely different light on it. And yet out of cold-blooded 
vindictiveness she comes here to ruin me with Bea and 

DUNN, (putting foot on stool; looks puzzled at COR- 
NET pause) Have you met her before? Have you got 
that former existence theory? 

CORN. If you call a year ago a former existence! 
( CORNET turns going R.) 

DUNN. A year ago! (stumbles over stool) 

CORN. Yes! When I broke off with her. 


DUNN. Broke off! (aside) I didn't notice she had 
anything missing. 

CORN. Broke off my engagement with her sister. 

DUNN, (perplexed) Whose sister? 

CORN. Mifton's sister, whom I met at Cambridge. 
[(goes R.) 

DUNN, (aside) He's on the wrong tack; Heavens! 
.What a pitfall I nearly fell into! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! 

DUNN goes up c., laughing heartily. 

CORN, (meeting DUNN up c.) Don't laugh! Don't 
laugh! I tell you 

DUNN. It's too bad Corney; to let you indulge in all 
this unnecessary worry, but your fears are quite ground- 
less. The new Governess, Madeline Mifton, never heard 
of you till last evening. 

CORN. I know better, Peter! She came here in her 
sister's interest, to hunt me down. 

DUNN. Nothing of the kind. 

CORN. I tell you I learnt, on the best of authority, 
that Madeline Mifton would certainly come here for the 
purpose of going for me. (crosses L.) 

DUNN, (dropping into chair R. E.) Great goodness! 
I'm forgetting she will be here. The new Governess, 
and what will happen then? What will happen then? 

MARY, (enters from Library L. u. E.) The Locksmith 
is in the Library Sir, to know what is to be done. 

DUNN, (looking at audience as if for screen) Oh, 
the lock and staple for the screen; I'll explain it to him, 
myself. Tell the Governess I wish to speak to her. 

MARY exits c. and R. up steps. 

CORN, (going up c.) No! Never mind, Peter I'll 
tackle her myself. 

DUXN. (stopping him c.) What for? when I tell you 
there's no occasion. 

CORN. Well, I'm not so sure of that; and I'll satisfy 
myself. There's some mystery connected with her. 
And I'll find out why and how she came; and all about 
her. (crosses R. ) 

DUNN. No! No! Don't you meedle or you'll ruin 
everything! (aside) He must not see Niobe till I have 
-warned her. I'll run and see that locksmith and hurry 
back. You remain quiet and I'll find out if you have 
any cause for fear. Don't interfere, or you'll spoil 
everything. Leave her to me. She's a peculiar woman, 


"but I think I understand her. She's a tcoman of the- 
world undoubtedly, but a little after date. Leave her 
to me. Leave her to me! 

Exit DUNN to Library L. D. 

COBN. He seems so particularly anxious I should 
leave it to him, I don't think it good enough; I would 
always rather that somebody else should manage any 
little unpleasantness for me, but I like to feel sure that 
they're not working some little purpose of their own. 

Enter NIOBE c. and L. as if looking for some one;: 

comes E. 
Ah! Here she is good morning, Miss Mifton! 

Nio. (on steps, waving her hands) Hail to you! 
(comes down) Where is he whom they call master? 
The lord of this house? 

CORN, (aside) Umph! A poetic blank verse kind 
of character (aloud) Oh, Peter! 

Nio. (fondly) Ah! Petramos! 

Goes down L. in front of couch. 

CORN. Yes, if you put it that way; he'll be here in a 
moment, Miss Mifton. Make yourself at home; take a 
chair, be seated. 

He goes to L. of table; his back to her as if to offer 

Nio. Nay, I am easier thus. 

Flops on floor with head supported on footstool; COR- 
NEY turns and sees her on floor; staggered! he puts 
up eye glass. 

CORN, (aside) She's a decidedly eccentric creature 
I hardly know how to begin with her; (aloud stooping 
down) I hope you find no trouble with the children. 

Nio. To love is not a trouble, and they are so like 

CORN, (slight pause, he turns away slightly) She 
seems partial enough to Peter (aloud stooping down 
to her) Ahem! How how did you come to hear of this, 
place? Was it by accident quite by chance you came 


Nio. (looks round) By chance? Ah, yes! 

CORN. Ah yes! You had no (bends down hurts 
back gets chair from table, sits B., and stoops) You 
had no purpose beyond the ostensible one of occupy- 
ing the situation you had accepted. (speech dis- 
jointed and jerky) 

Nio. Your speech is meaningless; to me but the 
empty rattle of a falling can. 

Posing face in hands, elbows on stool. 

CORN, (after regarding her suspiciously, turns to B.) 
She's frank to a degree (aloud stooping) Ahem! 
You did not expect you had no thought of finding me 

Spoken in a conciliatory tone, trying to be agreeable. 

Nio. (after regarding CORNET disdainfully per- 
plexed) I'd rather Petramos should tell me what to say. 

COBN. (rises and goes step to R. ; aside) Can she 
have confided the affair to Peter, and is this just sim- 
plicity, or only cunning? 

Nio. If you like best conversing with yourself, I 
shall not miss your chatter. 

COBN. (quickly recovering himself) I beg your par- 
don! She isn't such a fool; (sits again, crosses legs) 
Excuse me. You find a great change, I suppose? 

Nio. Ah yes! All things are changed, even men are 
not as they were. Why do you hide your legs in those 
loose sleeves? 

CORN, (looks at his trousers, tries to hide his legs 
aside) She must have lived among the savages, she's 
a Highlander perhaps! I thought you belonged to Cam- 

Nio. I was born in Athens, but I left it when I mar- 

CORN. (R. c.) You are married then? 

Nio. (beginning to cry) I was! Oh Amphion!! 
(cries on footstool) 

COBN. Oh! I beg your pardon your husband is 
dead? (stooping to speak to her) 

Nio. More years than I can count, (sobbing) 

CORN. Ah! You don't look your age. She's trying 
the idiotic dodge again, (stooping) Ahem! When did 
you (gets twinge again with bending, puts away 
chair and fetches low occasional chair from back of 
stage, sits close to her and stoops) When did you see 
your sister last? 


Nio. (sits up) At the Feast of Demeter, on the 
Temple steps. 

CORN. Temple steps! Taking the Battersea boat 
perhaps! How did you leave her? 

Nio. In sorrow. She had been early plighted to a 
young Jioplite of Ithaca, named Aulakes. 

CORN. Hoplite! A dancing master I suppose. It's the 
first I've heard of this; she may betray more of Ethel's 
secrets! (aloud) And what (trying to get lower, and 
sees stool, NIOBE sitting up, has left room for him, he 
steps over stool and sits) What became of the young 

Nio. He fought throughout the war and fell in the 
last battle. 

CORN, (aside surprised) Ethel can't be the Spring 
chicken I believed her. (aloud) You were younger 
than your sister? 

Nio. Ah yes! 

CORN. Ah yes I can see a resemblance, but a dif- 
ference; she might be called handsome you're pretty. 

Nio. Why not? Mother was as fair as Helen. 

CORN. Our Helen! Oh: I don't think much of her 
as a beauty. 

Enter DUNN hurriedly he sees them, when he reaches 
c., falls into low chair. 

Nio. (rises on one Jcnee as she sees PETER) Ah! 
Here is Petramos! And I no longer wish to talk with 

NIOBE rises and goes L.; PETER affects indifference. 
CORN, (rises) That's straight, anyway, but what she 

can see in Peter beats me. 

DUNN, (to CORNEY) You didn't say anything to her? 

CORN. No, no! I've left it to you! (goes up, putting 
"back chair) 

Nio. (coming towards DUNN c.) He has perplexed 
and frightened me with questions. 

DUNN, (c., turning to CORNET R.) Now I thought 

CORN, (replacing other chair) No, no! Merely ordi- 
nary courtesies. 

Nio. (very affectionately) I have no fear of him 
now you are here. 

Putting her arms round DUNN'S neck as he turns; COR- 
NET, coming forward, sees them and affects to be 
greatly shocked, hiding -face with newspaper. 


Duxx. (perplexed and affecting light indifference, 
trying to get away from her) Of course not, there is 
nothing to be afraid of, (to CORNEY) She's so timid, 
you see Corney, she she seems to think everyone is 
against her. 

NIODE looks up, their faces close together. 

CORN, (down c.) She doesn't seem to mind you, 

DUNX. No, she's quite taken to me, and if there is 
anything, Corney, I'll find out for you. She'll tell me! 

As Duxx turns from NIOBE going towards CORNEY, she 
keeps him back with her arms still round his neck. 
He breaks away and she goes L. DUNX R. 

CORX. Well, I'll leave her to you (goes up L. c.) 
I confess I don't know what to make of her; she doesn't 
seem the kind of person to undertake such a mission; 
a resuscitated mummy couldn't appear more ignorant 
of the world's ways, (aloud) Peter! Peter! Hail to 

CORNEY exits centre to R. 

Nio. (following him up, looks off L., then turns to 
DUNN) Have you resolved truth shall be told, and all 
disclosed, Petramos? 

DUNN. Truth! no! I took a feeler at that; it isn't 
to be thought of. 

Nio. (going R. c. towards DUNN) As my lord says 
it would be well, then, to hire some slave to murder 
him that's gone! (mysteriously pointing off L.) 

DUNN. Murder Corney! What for? 

Nio. He will betray. 

DUNX. He can't he doesn't know! 

Nio. But he suspects! 

Duxx. Suspects the truth! Ridiculous! There may 
be, well there are suspicions but they'll never take 
that form; and the only difficulty is to keep up some- 
thing that's possible of belief till we can provide for 
you, or hear from your friends. (R. of table) 

Nio. (on steps c.) Alas! have I in all the world a 

DUNN. (L. H.) I suppose not! We might go round 
electrifying all the Art museums; on the off chance; 
there may be friends of yours in Greece, if you could 


only go back to Greece, and burrow for them, (sits n.) 

Nio. (coming back of table) Zeus! How desolate 
I am (to DUNN) Your only thought is to be rid of 
me. (weeps on table) 

DUNN. (R. of table) She's at it again! No, I don't 
wish to be rid of you; if I could only see some way to 
manage it I should be glad for you to remain. 

Nio. (raising her head) Could I not stay then, as 
your wife? 

DUNN Umph! If I wasn't already suited. I've told 
you I have a wife? 

Nio. But one! The law of Thebes allows two wives. 

DUNN. But the law of England doesn't; and I should 
consider it a dangerous experiment if it did; besides 
there are other interests in the concern. My wife would 
be sure to object; and her sister would howl with indig- 
nation. ( crosses L., up stage in fear of interruption.) 

Nio. The sour face! (R. c.) We could invoke the 
gods to strike her dumb. 

DUNN. The gods don't amount to a row of pins, or I 
should have put 'em on to Helen long ago! (DUNN sits 
on footstool c.) You're the Governess, that's what 
they've been told and that's what we have to keep up; 
till we can make other arrangements. 

Nio. Say clearly then, what is a Governess? 

DUNN. Oh! a Governess; a Governess, is one who- 
governs, according to the orders of those wno govern 
her; you must try to keep up an appearance of meek- 
ness and servility. 

Nio. For what? 

DUNN. Because you won't be allowed to govern un- 
less you do. 

Nio. (with dignity) I am a Queen. 

DUNN. Yes, but you got lost in the shuffle!' 

Nio. And my duties? 

DUNN. To trot out the children, and pretend to teach, 
but above all cringe to Helen say " yes Ma'am " al- 
ways " Yes Ma'am." 

Nio.. (proudly) "Yes Ma'am," only that, "yes 
Ma'am? " 

DUNN, (rising) Yes but not in that way, mind the 
tone, humbly; "Yes Ma'am." (in a nasal tone and- 
with a bob curtsey) 

Nio. (after wonderingly regarding DUNN, imitates 
DUNN'S manner) "Yes Ma'am! " 

DUNN. That's better, and don't call me Petramos, 
but, Master, " the Master," and above all, don't forget 
to be obsequious to Helen. Agree with the old cat in 


all things, that's very important. (DUNN goes up L., 

Nio. I shall remember (goes to window B., looks 
out and appears delighted) Ah see! See! The crowd! 
The populace are out! Why do they hurry so? There 
is no dignity in all this haste. 

DUNN, (sitting on couch L.) They're not out for 
dignity, there's no money in it; we haven't time for 
dignity now-a-days. 

Nio. (goes back to window) Look! See! What are 
those strange chariots? 

DUNN. Chariots? (crossing to look out) Oh! cabs! 
Growlers! Growlers! They are called Growlers! 

Nio. (following DUNN to c.) Growlers! Growlers!! 
Oh, could they not be changed? 

DUNN. I'll see what can be done in the matter 
(NIOBE goes back to window) Go up to the nursery 
now, the children will be getting anxious about you. 

Nio. (at window B.) Look! Look Ixion; the man 
upon the wheel. 

DUNN. Where! Oh, a boy on a bicycle! Do go! 

Postman's knock is heard thrice. 

Nio. (coming out again) Why does he do that, is 
the man a Herald? 

DUNN. No, a letter carrier the postman! Postman! 

Nio. Postman! (pleased) Ah! The Postman! 
(amused at the sound, repeats "Postman" as she goes 
to window) 

DUNN. If she's so struck on the postman, what will 
it be when she sees a policeman! 

Nio. Oh, how they sway! Could not someone teach 
them how to walk? The Maidens waddle, like web- 
footed cranes. 

Imitating a modern walk to L. corner. 

DUNN. Yes! You've got it, that's it (NIOBE hurry- 
ing back to window, DUNN stops her) Look at 'em an- 
other time go to the nursery now, and if the ladies, 
my wife or her sister, send for you, do be careful, (put- 
ting her up L. c.) 

Nio. (returns) I will bring the children and show 
how much they love me. 

DUNN. (B. c.) No, no! They're not allowed in here. 

Nio. (L. c.) Why, are they not yours? 

DUNN. Yes, but I never attempt to prejudice them in 


jny favour, I'll explain to you another time, when I'm 
not so busy; I have to telegraph the real governess, to 
-stop away, or we are ruined. 

Nio. I don't know Telegraph what is it, Petramos? 

DUNN. Why oh it's a machine er on which you 
tick, tick, tick, tick at one end, and the same tick ticks 
-are heard at the other end, and the tick ticks tell what- 
ever you are thinking, to the party you're tick, tick, 
ticking to. 

Nio. Oh Petramos! you treat me like a child. Am 
I so foolish that you mock my ignorance? 

Weeps and falls on DUNN'S shoulder, embracing him; 
CARRIE and HELEN enter at back c. 

DUNN. She's at it again. Don't cry there's no 
.money in it. I wasn't fooling you. Cheer up! there's 
a darling, (stroking her hair) Poor little woman! 
(CARRIE down K. ; DUNN sees her, pretends not to see 
her) My dear young lady, you shall be treated with 
every kindness, my wife is gentleness itself. I'm sure 
if my wife were here oh, you are there, Caroline. 

CAR. (R., indignantly) Yes, I am here! 

DUNN. Come to this poor girl, she's homesick. 

HEL. (coming down L.) And needs consolation, I ob- 

At the sound of HELEN'S voice NIOBE recoils, back centre. 

Miss Mifton, will you leave us? 

Nio. Not at your bidding! If he, the Master, bids me 
'go, I go not else. I wait his orders. 

HEL. (crossing R. c. to CARRIE) You'll find mine are 
the orders that are observed in this household, and you 
must obey them if you wish to stay with us. 

Nio. You can't suppose I wish to stay with you. 
(DUNN has gone up and is now L. to DUNN) You Pet 
the Master is the ruler here. 

CAR. (in great tribulation; to HELEN) She called 
him pet. 

DUNN, (crossing back of NIOBE R. c.) Yes! yes! but 
I never interfere in domestic matters. Mrs. Dunn's sis- 
ter manages everything, (aside as he goes back L.) 
Don't forget what I told you; be obsequious. 

Nio. Ah, that's well remembered. (to HELEN) I 
had forgotten; I am to be obsequious to you; Yes Ma'am 
and cringe to you " Yes Ma'am! " It was the mas- 
ter's wish agree with the -old cat in all things, yes 


NIOBE backing up stage with speech, turns and exits 
c. and R. 

CAR. (goes up c., looks after NIOBE then down c. 
to DUNN, who in desperation is strumming on the 
piano) So Peter! you are prompting her to deceit. 

DUNN. (L.) Deceit, my dear! What! Where's the 
deceit? (CARRIE indignant, crosses R. ) 

HEL. (coming c.) It's true there was little show of 
confusion, in spite of the indelicacy of the situation. 

DUNN. What indelicacy? The p-or girl required 
soothing, and no wonder; you'd make a chins dog home- 

HEL. It did not take you long to acquire an interest 
in this person. 

DUNN. What d'ye mean by acquiring an interest? 
She's not a joint stock company! 

CAR. (R.) Oh, Peter, and we thought it was illness 
kept you at home. 

DUNN, (crossing to CARRIE) Carrie! My dear! 

HEL. But it's obvious now why you stayed away from 
the office. 

CAR. And she is no prettier than I. 

HEL. Some men are captivated by impudence. 

DUNN, (between them) It's a wonder you've re- 
mained single, so long. 

HEL. I have too constant a reminder before me of 
the mistake of married life, ever to venture. 

DUNN. Oh! The venture would be on the other 
side: you run no risk! 

CAR. You must admit, Peter, that this woman, the 
new governess 

DUNN impatient, with an exclamation, crosses R. to 

HEL. Carrie, don't make foolish remarks you may be 
sorry for; to say too much is to put him on his guard. 
Come (puts CARRIE over) to your room not a word 
you're excited. I'll keep an eye on this Miss Mifton. 

Exits, folloicing CARRIE L. D. 

DUNX (taking stage R. to L.; kicking stool away) 
Where will it end? What am I to do? (sitting on 
couch) Send off that infernal Telegram to the real 
governess. She must be detained where she is for the 
present, and bought off; I shall have to go to Learning- 


ton, see her, and bribe her to take some other engage- 
ment, and I don't know how I am to do it! 

Enter INNINGS c. K. 

INN. (coming down) If I can find Corney 

DUNN (aside) Ah! Innings! Here's the very man! 
(DUNN shakes INNING'S hand bringing him down on 
his R.) Innings, how are you glad to see you! I don't 
know that I ever met a man that I took to more readily 
than I did to you. 

IN:S. (R. c.) Ha! Ha! Well! What favour do you 
want me to do for you? 

DUNN. Favour! Oh! I wanted you to travel. 

INN. Travel? 

DUNN. Yes! It isn't far! You have lots of time on 
your hands. 

INN. (R. c.) I don't travel on my hands! I couldn't 
go to-day. To-morrow early, if you like? 

DUNN. (L. c.) It would be better to-day, but to-mor- 
row will do. 

IXN. Have I nothing to do but travel? Isn't there 
an object? 

DUNN. Oh yes! I can trust you I know. I want you 
to go to Leamington for me, to see a Miss Mifton, who 
is coming here as governess. 

INN. Coming! I thought she was here! 

DUN. Eh! Oh no! This is another one, she's not 
the same that is a different one to the other. There 
are lots of them at this time of year; the woods are full 
of 'em. 

INN. Of what? 

DUNN. Miftons! (going across R.) I'm getting so 
muddled, I have to send a telegram I'll explain as we 
go. Give me your arm. (going up c. arm in arm) I'm 
bilious I mean I'm weak this morning. I oh this de- 
ception there's no money in it. 

Enter BEATRICE c. from R., as DUNN and INNINGS are 
going up. 

INN. Good morning, Miss Sillocks! 

DUNN. Good morning, Bea. Have you stepped in to 
see Hattie? (calls) Hattie! Hattie! (turning round 
with INNINGS on his arm) You'll find her in the Tele- 
graph office back in a jiffey! Where are you Innings? 
(turning) Oh, there you are. Come along! 


DUNN exits with INNINGS c. and B. 
BEA. (down B.) Something has excited him. 
HATTIE enters L. D. 

HAT. Good morning, Bea! 

BEA. (kissing her) Good morning, dear. How are 
the babies? 

HAT. Flourishing! You look quite serious this 
morning! What's the matter, Bea? 

BEA. (B. c.) I have had a shock. 

HAT. (c.) Galvanic? 

BEA. No, no! Well, an unpleasantness a letter. 

HAT. It wasn't from Corney then? 

BEA. No! From a Miss MiftonT 

HAT. Madeline Mifton? Why it's our new gov- 

BEA. (goes c.) But she writes from Chester. See! 
there's the postmark. 

HAT. (looking) Why, it's three weeks old; been all 
over the country, misdirected! What's in it? 

BEA. She has seen something of my intended mar- 
riage with Corney in some of the Society papers, and 
asks for his address. 

HAT. That is suspicious, isn't it? But I dare say 
Corney can explain, (aside) He's good at explaining 
(aloud) I wouldn't let it worry me. 

BEA. I will not, if Corney assures me I've no reason 
to mistrust. 

HAT. Oh, he'll do that! Did you find out if it's true 
that Peter had a sister? 

BEA. Oh yes! Papa says Mr. Dunn's sister is a most 
charming person. 

HAT. Fancy that! and I never even heard of her; 
that's Helen's doings (HELEN speaks off) Mum! She's 

HATTIE and BEATBICE go L. to couch, as HELEN and CAB- 
BIE enter L. D. 

HEL. (c.) Good morning, Miss Sillocks! How is 
your Papa? 

HAT. Do tell, Bea. Helen has great interest in your 
papa, he's a widower; and Helen is " nuts " on wid- 

HEL. Hattie! Tell the new Governess we wish to 
see her. 


HAT. (L.) Don't get excited Bea. She is prettyv 
but I don't believe she's Corney's kind. 

HATTIE exits up steps c. and R. 

CAR. (crossing R.) We have engaged a Miss Mif- 
ton to superintend the children's education; but Heleu 
has doubts as to her competency. 

HEL. It will not take five minutes to satisfy our- 
selves; I'll put a few questions to her, and if she can- 
not answer them satisfactorily a fortnight's wages, in 
lieu of notice, will have to satisfy her. (sitting R. c., 
front of table; CARRIE sits R. of HELEN) 

Enter HATTIE c. from R., NIOBE following; HATTIE goes 
down L. to BEA.; NIOBE c., top of steps. 

BEA. What a lovely woman! Oh, Hattie! I believe 
Corney has been in love with her. 
HAT. Oh, nonsense! 
Nio. (on steps) Hail to you! 

HATTIE and BEA. on couch; all surprised; NIOBE ad- 

CAR. Sit down, Miss Mifton! 

Nio. Thank you! I am not tired, and stand to take 
mine ease. 

HEL. I wish to ask you a few questions, Miss Mifton, 
to see if you are capable of the training and instruction 
of the young. You write and cypher, of course? I need 
not ask? 

Nio. (standing c.) I would not then. Why speak 
of what is needless! 

HEL. (after business of looking at NIOBE) What is 
your definition of Geography? 

Nio. It matters not since I am authorized to bow 
my will to yours; what you would have it say and 
that it is. 

HELEN turns and looks at CARRIE. 

HAT. (laughing) Just the thing for you Helen; you 
can have it all your own way, (an educational Phono- 
graph). You breathe in what is to be learned, and she'll 
breathe it out again. 

HEL. (R. c. to CARRIE) This sounds like prevarica- 
tion, (to NIOBE) You would not have me describe the 


divisions of the land and sea; tell you the names of the 

Nio. Oh, yes, I would; that is, if you know them. 

HEL. Know them - 

HELEN rising CABRIE calms and soothes HELEN, who 
again sits. 

HAT. Ha! Ha! She doesn't! She doesn't! 

CAR. Hattie! Do not interrupt the examination. 

HEL. (re-seated) It's not a question of what / know, 
Miss Mifton, I'll undertake to say, you don't know 
what a Continent isf (pause) You don't! 

Nio. (c.) I don't! I was to agree with you in all 

HEL. If I asked you to name the Capital of Norway 
or the location of the Red Sea, what would you say? 

Nio. (at a loss pauses then in imitation of DUNN'S 
voice, curtseying) Yes Ma'am! 

HEL. Do you call that an answer? (rises angrily 
CARRIE soothes her) 

Nio. Yes Ma'am! (HELEN sits again) 

BEA. She looks intelligent; this must be all pre- 

CAB. She has better knowledge, perhaps, of home af- 

HEL. (seated) What was the cause of the last War? 

Nio. (c., confidently) A quarrel which broke out, 
upon the rights of which I would not speak, for it was 
ended nearly when I was born. 

HEL. (turns slightly from NIOBE) We don't want to 
know your age. 

HAT. How many years did it last? 

Nio. Ten! 

HAT. Oh, she is a treat! 

HEL. Be quiet, Hattie! Can you play the Piano? 

Nio. I cannot tell you that, for I have never tried. 

HEL. That's meant for impudence, I suppose. 

Nio. (confused curtseying) Yes Ma'am! 

HEL. (rising) You must be an idiot, or it is possi- 
ble, you believe me one? 

Nio. (curtseying) Yes Ma'am! 

laughing; HELEN frowns, falls into seat; CARRIE 
rises; enter DUNN c., endeavours to get off L., meets 
COBNEY from L. D. ; DUNN comes down L. of NIOBE; 
COBNEY down L. to BEA. and HATTIE; BEATRICE after- 
wards shows COBNEY letter, COBNET protesting in 


CAR. Peter! Peter! this girl appears to be ignorant 
on every subject! 

DUNN. (L. c.) Why, of course, if you've been asking 
her things she doesn't know! 

HEL. (seated) She won't do, Peter. Her mind is a 
complete blank. 

DUNN, (crossing to HELEN) Yes! On trivial mod- 
ern accomplishments, perhaps, but have you asked her 
anything about Ancient history? 

HEL. No! 

DUNN. Have you spoken Greek to her? 

HEL. No! 

DUNN. I thought not! Even you don't know every- 
thing, (as DUNN turns to NIOBE, she tries to embrace 
him; he avoids her, and crosses quickly to CORNEY) 
Corney, ask her something about Ancient history; the 
more Ancient the better. 

CORN. (L.) I've forgotten all I ever knew. 

DUNN. That doesn't matter, she'll answer you all 

CORN. Where was Homer born? 

Nio. In Scios! 

DUNN. There you see! First go! 

CORN. (L. H.) What were the er names of the 
nine Muses? 

Nio. (c.) Clio, Calliope, Euterpe, Erato, Melpomene, 
Polyhymnia, Terpsichore, Thalia, Urania. 

DUNN. (crossing to HELEN) Cyclopaedias! What 
more do you want? 

HEL. (facing audience) What good will it do the 
children to know the names of the Muses? 

DUNN. (R. c.) Oh, I beg your pardon! We don't 
pay enough attention to Ancient history now-a-days. 
(DUNN crosses again to CORNEY, L.) Corney, speak 
Greek to her. 

HATTIE and BEATRICE have gone up c. 

CORN. Can't! "Hoi polloi " is the only expression 
I remember. 

DUNN. Well, go on, give her that! 

CORN. Hoi polloi! 

DUNN. Hoi polly! Give her time now give her 

HEL. She is no use whatever! She can't even play 
the Piano. 

HAT. (L. c.) How do you know! She has never 


exits laughing, with BEATRICE c. and R. 

DUNN, (comes down L. c.) Well, if she can't, the 
Piano is not so very desirable for young children; and 
she may be great on the Triangle or the Jew's harp. 

CORN. And no doubt Miss Mifton will soon learn if 
you insist on it. (aside) I must keep the right side of 

HEL. (rises) Absurd! She has not the intelligence 
of an insect. 

Nio. (c.) It is not a necessity, for I am beautiful. 
It is such as you who need intelligence. 

CORN. Phew! That's a facer! 

HEL. (rises fiercely) Minx! How dare you! 

Nio. (clinging to DUNN as she recoils from HELEN, 
to L. of DUNN) Petramos! I ask protection from this 

DUNN. Of course! Yes! Helen, you're too severe. 

Nio. (L. c., rising) Helen! Ah! Like her of Troy, 
at whom the finger of scandal pointed, (pose, as if de- 
nouncing HELEN) 

HEL. It is false! The story is untrue! 

CAR. Be calm, Helen! 

DUNN turns up c., back to audience, shaking with laugh- 

HEL. (R. c.) How dare you hint at scandal against 
me; but such innuendos will not deter me. Peter! This 
woman leaves this house, or I do! 

Nio. (L. c.) Then there is little doubt which of us 
two will go. He'd sooner fifty fold, that I should stay. 

DUNN, (turning round c.) I must endorse that tru- 
ism, if it ruins me. / would! Damme! there! (turns 
-again up stage) 

HEL. Caroline, you hear! 

CAR. (R. c.) Peter, after this you must see that it 
is absolutely necessary for this person to depart. 

CAKRIE softs in HELEN'S arms. 

CORN. Confound Helen! Mifton will be on to me 

Enter INNINGS from L. D., drops down L. 

HEL. (R. c.) Carrie, you have been patient and long 
suffering, but there is a limit. 


DUNN, (c.) Yes! There is a limit. And you've 
gone it. It's my say now, and I am reckless, and may 
raise the devil! 

Nio. (kneeling and clinging to him) Petramos, re- 
strain! Be merciful! Invoke not now the curses of 
the gods! 

DUNN. Oh, hang the gods! Be quiet, you only make 
things worse! 

Nio. (bursting into tears, rising and falling on 
DUNN'S neck) Oh, Petramos! 

CABBIE sees the situation, and sobs loudly. 

DUNN, (c.) She's at it again! 

COBN. It's a shame poor girl why 

INN. (aside to CORNEY) Don't waste your super- 
fluous sympathies, that is not Miss Mifton at all. 

CORN. What! Can it be the women are right in their 
suspicions? What a blackguard Peter is! 

HEL. (embracing CARRIE) When you have finished 
comforting that shameless creature, you may observe 
your wife needs consolation. 

DUNN. Certainly! Corney! comfort my wife, can't 

CORN. (L. of NIOBE) Don't try to make me a party 
to your vile intrigues! (goes to L. corner) 

DUNN. What's come to you? (DUNN tries to get at 
CORNEY, but turns back to CABBIE) Listen to me, Carrie! 
I admit circumstances are 

CAB. Go away! I never wish to speak to you again! 

They go up c.; DUNN going L. ; CARRIE R. 

HEL. (R., to NIOBE) Begone, Hussy! Leave the 

Nio. (c.) Not at your bidding. Petramos is lord, 
and Petramos decrees that I abide with him! (as if 
going to DUNN) 

OMNES. (strong) Oh, Peter!!! (NIOBE gets over 
E., up stage) 

DUNN, (wildly excited, coming down it. c.) In a 
sense, Miss Mifton is right. She came here with an ir- 
reproachable character and the highest references, and 
as the Master of the house, knowing nothing to her dis- 
credit, I am responsible for her. Miss Mifton is here 
and for the present must remain, (goes to B. of CORNEY) 

HAT. (who has entered c. and has tried to get a 
word with DUNN, taking up DUNN'S tone) That's what 
I tell her, but she insists it can't be. 


HEL. Of whom are you speaking? 
HAT. The lady here, who is asking for Mr. Dunn. 
DUNN. (L. c.; facing audience) What lady? What's 
"her business? Who is she? 

Turns and confronts Miss MIFTON, who has entered c. 
and just reached L. c. 

MIFT. The new Governess, Miss Mifton! 

NIOBE advances R. c. close to Miss MIFTON, who turns 
and recognises her dress. 

DUNN. (L. c.) The other Mifton! 
CORN. (L.) Another Mifton! 
LADIES. Two Miftons! What infamy! 

NIOBE and Miss MIFTON stand looking at each other; 
NIOBE doing her usual action of "Hail to you!" Pic- 
ture of consternation and surprise, by other char- 
acters as curtain falls. 


N. B. No Second Picture. Company Call. 

TIME. The same day as Act II. A few hours later. 

SCENE. Another side of the same room. The fireplace 
centre, the bay window cornerwise L. of fireplace; 
the hallway R. u.; screen below it; ichen open, covers 
a door down R.; couch and piano off; table is L. c.; 
chairs, etc.; low chair at a small table against scene 
down L.; fire in fireplace. 

HELEN discovered seated R. of fireplace; CARRIE seated 
L. ; CORXEY, back to fireplace, standing smoking. 

HEL. (R. c., seated) There is nothing left us but 
departure. Mr. Dunn's falsehoods, and the woman's 
shamelessness, render any further stay impossible. We 
are decided to leave his roof. 

CORN. Certainly! Leave him the entire house; you've 
raised it about his ears, you can't do more. 


CAR. How he has deceived us! 

HEL. What lies he has told us. 

COBN. Hasn't he? Beauties! What a political future 
for a man who could lie like Peter! 

CAR. I'm appalled to find he is so wicked. 

CORN. And mad to think you never suspected him. 
You feel so mean at having been fooled, don't you? Why, 
I positively looked up to him. Ah! It's the same old 
story, scores of presumably, blameless, spotless men, 
only waiting to be found out. 

CAR. (rises) We cannot longer remain under the' 
same roof with him. 

Doicn to table, packing trinkets in small "bag on table. 
HELEN rises and goes to cabinet up R. 

CORN. Of course not, and the only question is, who's 
to quit! We can, but why shouldn't he? There's four 
of us, and only one of him. 

HEL. And her, the woman, (crossing to table with 
small vase) 

CORN. Yes! Well, it would be far less trouble to ar- 
range for us to remain, and let him go, and take her 
along ivith him. 

HEL. AND CAR. (CARRIE turning quickly from win- 
dow) Corney!! 

HEL. How can you suggest such a breach of pro- 
priety? (back to cabinet for another small treasure) 

CORN. I can't see that it's worse than leaving them 
here. Beside it would save the inconvenience of pack- 
ing, and as far as I'm concerned, I don't relish getting 
out of my comfortable quarters for a trifle, (sits in 
chair R. of fireplace, stretching himself) 

HELEN crossing to table L. c. with vase CARRIE packing 
with tissue paper, and placing in bag on table. 

HEL. A trifle? 

CORN. Well, say a serious little thing! 

CAR. She is not a serious little thing! (CARRIE rings 
bell on table L.) 

CORN. It's foolish to hurry our departure in any case. 
Give them time, and we may find they have eloped, and 
left us in possession. (CORNEY gets L. of fireplace on 
MARY'S entrance) 

CAR. How can you hint at anything so shocking? 
(at table L., getting photo) If Peter can clear himself,. 
I will give him one more opportunity. 


HEL. (taking photo out of CABRIE'S hand) And one 
more chance for new and greater falsehoods, (crosses 
back to cabinet R. and puts down photo , MARY enters 
from hallway R., front of them) 

CAR. Where is Mr. Dunn? 

MARY. (R. c.) He's gone, Ma'am! 

CORN, (rises quickly) There! What did I say? 

HEL. (advancing R.) Gone! Gone where? 

MARY. Gone out, Ma'am! 

CAR. And Miss Mifton is she in the house? 

MARY. Yes Ma'am, both of them. The one, the first 
one, was on the pint of going out, but Miss Mifton, the 
second, stopped her and says: "No you don't, not in 
them clothes; take my frock off," she said, and the 
high words they've been having you might have heard 
down here. 

HATTIE enters R. c. 

HAT. (R. c.) A downright quarrel over the nursery 

CORN. Well, if I'm a judge of character, number two 
could hold her own. 

HAT. Oh, the other's no duffer. 

HEL. Hattie! Such language. (MARY exits R. to hall- 

HAT. She has such dignity, she's withering. She 
curled the new one up, I can tell you. 

HEL. And where are they now? 

HAT. Number one is on the roof. 

INNINGS enters R. 

INN. (entering) I say, it's awful, you know, there's 
a crowd collecting in front of the house; I think they 
imagine it's a sleep-walking seance 

Shouts of mob off L.; all run to window except INNINGS 
and HATTIE. 

HEL. (returning) What do they want? 
CORN. What's the matter? What is it? 
INN. One of the Miftons, the Governess, is on the 

Shouts; same business as before. 

HEL. What a disgrace! 

CAR. What is she doing on the roof? 


HAT. I don't know, the step ladder was there, and 
she ran up through the skylight, she's calling out 
Phoebus! Phoebus! and waving her arms about like 
this. (HATTIE down R., and comes over again) 

HEL. Tell her to come down. 

CORN. She must belong to some new sect that has 
taken up the old Pagan idolatry. 

INN. Yes! That's it! She's calling on the gods. 

Shouts; all to window again. 

CAR. But why up there why upon the roof? 
HAT. Thinks she's getting nearer to 'em, up there. 
CORN. Tell her to try the upper story of a residential 
HAT. Or the top of the Eiffel Tower. 

HATTIE exits to hall R. u. E. 

INN. (following) If she would like to go up in a 
balloon, I shall be delighted 

INNINGS exits R. 

HEL. When will our humiliation cease? (crosses R.) 
Miss MIFTON enters R. u. E. 

MIFT. (R. c.; speaking as she enters) I will not 
put up with it you will pardon me troubling you; but 
if I cannot get my rights any other way, I must send for 
the policeman. 

CORN. I fancy the Cook's got a mortgage on him! 
(comes down L.) 

CAR. (L. c.) What is it you want, Miss Mifton? 

MIFT. (indignantly, c.) My wearing apparei, Mrs. 
Dunn! That imposter is in possession of my trunk, and 
is still wearing some of my dresses. 

HEL. What insufferable impudence? 

CAR. Have you asked her to give them up? 

MIFT. I did more than ask; I insisted; I commanded 
her to take my property off her back; and she replied, 
by imploring Artemis, to strike me dumb, (puts her 
hands up a-Za-NiOBE) 

HEL. Artemis, who? 

CORN. Artemis Ward, of course. She meant it in 
some humorous way, probably. 

CAR. (L. c.) What a vindictive wretch she must be. 


MIFT. (R. c.) The most annoying part of it is she 
Avon't lose her temper; she simply waves me off, and 
eays, " The audience hour is noon." 

CORN. (L.) A new way of implying "At home, 
Thursdays, 12 to 2." 

CAR. Miss Mifton, will you please he patient, and 
silent, too; endeavour to spare us the pain of a great 

MIFT. You may rely on my discretion, Mrs. Dunn. 

HEL. Be prepared to leave with us, and have the 
children ready. 

MIFT. I'll do my best, but she has set the dear pets 
against me. They won't leave her side. 

CAR. (crosses R. to HELEN) Oh, Helen, this is the 
bitterest blow of all. 

HEL. (following CARRIE down R.) Don't despair Car- 
rie. Miss Mifton is, as yet, new to them; you at least 
will be able to lure the darlings from the pernicious 

Crosses to table and gets Jiand-bag. 

CORN, (aside) If I can get a chance, I'll have my 
little business out with Miss Mifton at once. 

HEL. (crossing back with hand-bag) We will see 
to the children ourselves, Miss Mifton. (crosses R. of 
CARRIE) Come Carrie, we must first send to a Hotel 
and secure rooms! The very air here seems loathsome. 

HELEN exits with CARRIE R. i. E. 

CORN. Yes, there's an escape of gas somewhere. 

MIFT. (looks after CARRIE and HELEN then speaks 
down R. aside) He's here! Now is my opportunity 
to endeavour to obtain my sister's letters. 

CORN. (L. aside) The annoyance she's meeting with 
will make her more spiteful to me. I must pacify her 
the first thing, (aloud) We deeply regret the vile 
treatment you have received. I myself am pained be- 
yond measure at the ignominy you have suffered. 
(DUNN enters R. u. E., as if from street, with paper par- 
cel, puts down hat on cabinet, up R.) And if it were 
not for the ties of relationship, Mr. Dunn should an- 
swer to me for his dastardly conduct. 

DUNN, (coming down c.) Should he? If you will 
only show your authority for questioning, Mr. Dunn is 
prepared with unlimited replies. 

CORN. I have merely the authority of equity and com- 
mon justice. 


Duxx. Justice for whom? 

During following scene CORXEY bullies Duxx very con- 

CORX. (L. c.) Justice for all. 

DUNN, (c.) That's rather a large order, isn't it? 
and you might find your portion of it, a little more 
than you bargained for; as for the little inconvenience 
Miss Mifton has experienced 

MIFT. (R. c.) It is no small matter, Mr. Dunn, to 
have your trunk seized and your dresses appropriated. 

CORN. Even her very name has been stolen. 

DUNN. How do you know? I suppose there may be 
other Miftons? (to MIFTON) You don't quite claim a 
monopoly for the name, do you Mifton? 

MIFT. It's a remarkable coincidence, that I should 
find a person of my name, occupying my situation. 

DUNN. You were so long coming to fill it. You threw 
away your chances. 

MIFT. I merely delayed to call upon some friends. 

CORN, (going to DUNN c.) The fact of Miss Mifton 
being delayed is no excuse for the pretence. 

DUNX. But it accounts for the mistake. We had en- 
gaged a Miss Mifton, and a Miss Mifton came; it was 
a case of first come first serve. 

MIFT. But she appears here in my tea gown she's 
wearing my clothes. 

DUNN. That's your fault again for sending them on. 
If you had come in them, it couldn't have happened. 
And there's no desire to keep your clothes. The lady 
will get some made with all possible dispatch. I have 
here samples of materials that I have obtained for her 
to select from, (showing parcel) 

N. B. This parcel contains a number of small sample 
cuttings of dress goods, a printed measure form to 
fill up, tape measure and pencil. 

CORX. You take a remarkable interest in this woman. 

DUXN. The interest one naturally feels for the un- 
protected. She is an Orphan; of long standing; she 
is misjudged and suffering an injustice. 

CORXEY goes up to window L. 

MIFT. (R. c.) You are strangely blind to my griev- 
ances, Mr. Dunn. You engaged me as Governess, and I 
came here to teach your children. 


DUNN, (c.) No! No! Let us be correct. You came 
here to hunt down the gay deceiver (indicating COR- 
NKY, ivho comes quickly down to him c.) who trifled 
with the young affections of a confiding Mifton. 

CORN, (aside to DUNN) Don't be a fool Peter; she'll 
put up the damages, a couple of thousand, on a remark 
like that, (aloud) What reason have you to suppose 
who could have told you such was the object of the 
lady's visit? 

DUNN, (c.) You told me yourself, and asked me to 
speak to Miss Mifton. 

CORN. (L. c.) Not that one! 

DUNN. But you meant that one. Why, the other 
hasn't had a sister for years and years. And it's the 
sister you had broken off with, (goes up and unties 
parcel at cabinet R. ) 

CORN. (R. ) I never said she was broken off. 

MIFT. (comes down R. c.) I admit I took the en- 
gagement for the purpose, if it proved the same, of 
speaking with Mr. Griffin of my sister; and if he still 
loved her, to prepare him for the worst. 

CORN, (with mock grief) What! Is she dead? My 
bonny Ethel, a thing of the past! Oh! 

^ Falls into chair R. of table. 

MIFT. (crosses to CORNEY) No! No! Not that, Mr. 
Griffin; my sister still lives. 

CORN, (rises) Oh, I see; you mean the worst if I 
refuse to compromise. Of course, it is to be regretted 
that mercenary motives should creep in, where once 
love reigned. And your case is not a strong one, Mr. 
Dunn will tell you 

DUNN, (at table, arranging his patterns under news- 
paper) No, Mr. Dunn won't. Don't drag me into your 
vile deceptions. I've enough to worry with my own. 

CORN. Why can't Ethel let by-gones be by-gones; she 
must know I was an impressionable young jackass; that 
we never could be happy together, at least I couldn't, 
and she is very wrong, very wrong, to insist on marry- 
ing me. 

MIFT. (c.) She does not. How could she when she 
is already married? 

CORN, (bus.) Married! Oh, Miss Mifton oh 
(aside) oh, this is lovely! (going to i.. corner) 

DUNN. Oh, what luck some people have? 

MIFT. (c.) I came to plead to your generosity; her 
husband believes she was never engaged before! She 


dreads you might disclose her deception, and expose her 

CORN. Ah! How she has misjudged me; I forgive 
her freely; she shall have her letters 

MIFT. Thank you! 

CORN. In exchange for mine, of course. It must be 
a sound reciprocal arrangement. 

MIFT. Yes! Yes! I have them in my trunk. 

CORN. Good! When you are packing, I will take 

DUNN, (coming down) And as you have now thor- 
oughly accomplished the object of your coming, Miss 
Mifton, there is nothing further to detain you. I wish 
you good day. (taking her hand) I'm sorry you had 
so much trouble, but compensation will of course 

MIFT. (withdrawing her hand, indignantly, and go- 
ing R.) You are mistaken, Mr. Dunn. I could never 
consent to leave the ladies in their distress. 

CORN, (crosses to Miss MIFTON) That sentiment 
does you credit, Miss Mifton! Don't be intimidated, I 
will stand by you. 

MIFT. \excitedly) I will not! (crosses c., DUNN 
running L.) I will send for an officer. I will demand 
my clothes I cannot pack my dress while it is on the 
back of that person. 

v> Going hurriedly R. and exits R. u. E. 

CORN, (following her up) No! have it off! have it 
off! Send for the police. 

DUNN. (L. c.) Do you know you're spreading insub- 
ordination, Cornelius Griffin, and breeding contempt for 
me; the constituted authority of this house? 

CORN, (returning c.) I can't help that, Peter, I must 
stand up for the innocent and oppressed. 

DUNN, (c.) Must you! How long has this wave of 
virtuous indignation been raging along your seaboard? 

CORN. (K. c.) For several minutes! Aroused by the 
vile treatment of poor little Mifton; it was contemptible 
to seize her trunk and pick the lock, (goes R.) 

DUNN, (following CORNEY closely) I did not. I only 
picked the key; and it was only by the merest chance 
that it fitted. 

CORN, (backing DUNN to c.) But you have the 
nerve to utilize the contents of the said trunk to deck 
-out your precious beauty! 

Crosses to L. it. 
DUNN, (follows CORNEY) What d'ye mean by deck 


out? She's not a shop window, and don't call her my 
beauty, I have never made any special claim to comeli- 

CORN. Oh, come Dunn! (gets L. of table) 

DUNN. (R. of table) Don't, Oh come Dunn me! 

CORN, (turns on DUNN across table) I had a high 
opinion of you once. 

DUNN, (same business) I never had a high opinion 
of you at any time. 

CORN. I was mistaken. 

DUNN. I wasn't! You're no good you're not solid; 
you've about as much vertebral support to you as a rub- 
ber pipe; you haven't the pluck to stand by your own 
torn-fooleries, but shift the blame on to others. 

CORN, (across table) You never will understand 
how necessary it is for me not to worry. The doctor 
says I cannot both worry and live. 

DUNN, (across table) Then worry and die! I've 
had enough of this scapegoat business. You can allot 
me shares in a newer enterprise, (sits R. of table) 

CORN, (crossing behind table to c.) And this is 
your gratitude to me for letting you down easy? 

DUNN, (turning fiercely) Letting me down easy! 

CORN, (c.) Why certainly! Being, so to say, sul- 
lied with my smaller vices has served to break your fall, 
hasn't it? If you had possessed a spotless reputation, 
the effect of your collosal villainy now would be para- 

DUNN, (aghast) My collosal villainy! 

CORN. It's bad enough as it is. Carrie has washed 
her hands of you; they are preparing to depart. 

DUNN. Preparing to depart! What for? 

CORN. (R. c.) What for? You must see that I can- 
not allow my sisters to remain longer under your roof. 
(turns from DUNN) 

DUNN. Then take 'em away; you can take Helen 
away, and Hattie too, I can even spare Hattie, but 
Carrie ceased to be your sister when she became my 
wife; she is going to remain, (goes to low chair L., is 
about to sit) 

CORN, (c.) There! I said you'd be agreeable to 
that. My argument was, that if somebody must go, it 
would be better for you to get out. 

DUNN. Better for me to get out! 

CORN. Yes! You have only one trunk to pack! The 
girls have two each, and I have another, that's seven. 

DUNN. Yes, it's seven to one against me; but I de- 
cline to be the outsider, (sits L.) 


CORN. Well, don't be too hasty in deciding think it 
'over. I shall not pack my traps till I hear from you, 
and I rely on your good sense to show you the value 
of my suggestions; Peter, you nearly worried me that 

CORNET exits R. i. D. 

DUNN. Why! Why didn't I tell the truth at first, 
as Niobe suggested. It might not have been believed; it 
wouldn't have been, but I could have stuck to it in- 
stead of floundering about, and getting up to my neck 
in a quicksand of equivocation, (rises, going c. ) If I 
can only get a dress made for her to go out in, I'll send 
her to my sister, Mabel who would believe whatever 
I might tell her. (turns to table back to audience) 

Enter NIOBE R. u. E. comes down R. c. 

Nio. (not seeing DUNN ichen first entering) Ah me! 
I would I were a stone again! Anything were better 
than to suffer such indignities as now I meet. Petra- 
mos! you will remove my cares as Eos lifts the sable 
pall of night. 

DUNN. I don't know anything of Knight's pall. Don't 
talk undertaking business. What is it? 

Nio. That daughter of Athena claims these robes, 
the which you gave me yester e'en. 

DUNN. Oh well, for the sake of peace give them to 
her. Avoid war if you can. There's no money in it. 
(goes L.) 

Nio. (following Jiim slightly c.) Why yield to her 
when we might ostracise her? 

DUNN. Because she'll call in the police if she hasn't 
already done so. 

Nio. Perlice? Is that some portion of the things 
we wear? 

DUNN. No, no! Police the Police the gentlemen 
v - ho guide and direct us of whom we enquire the time 
the officers of justice. They keep the peace where 
nobody can find it . 

Nio. Ah, the custodians of law and order? (DUNN 
nods affirmatively) Why, we have but to fill their hands 
with bribes. ^ 

DUNN. What! They were the same in the old time! 
We've trouble enough in the house without getting the 
police in. Of course, you couldn't foresee the mischief 
you were doing, but you've ruined me. ( NIOBE starts) 


Yes, ruined me. My wife will leave me, and my family 
be scattered to the fore and hind quarters of the globe. 

Crosses R. and rests head against side of screen. 

Nio. (sees and takes paper knife from table) If I 
have wrecked your pleasure, let me die. You gave new 
life to me; 'tis yours, take it away. 

Kneeling, offering paper knife with outstretched hands. 

DUNN. With a paper knife! You can't remove ex- 
istence in that off-handed way. You're flesh and blood 
now and it would be murder. If you were only elec- 
trified back to stone now, if you were only stone dead. 

Nio. (rises throws knife up stage) I'll rouse again 
the wrath of High Olympus, (crosses R.) 

DUNN, (annoyed) I've told you the firm went to 
smash long ago. Do be rational. You must go and give 
that woman her frock. Put on your own dress your 
stone dress, till we can get you one made to go out in. 
(gets back of table a-la-shopman) I have here samples 
of materials and a choice variety of colours for you to 
;select from, (takes newspaper off patterns) 

Nio. Ah, Petramos! How good you are? (takes up 
patterns and places them on stage, kneeling, interested^ 
and sorting them) 

DUNN, (coming down L.) I was afraid to bring the 
dressmaker into the house, but I have full instructions 
here for measuring you. (coming down L. with printed 
form, taking out pencil and tape measures, which he 
hangs about his neck) 

Nio. (on stage c., spreading out samples) It will be 
hard to choose from such a store of prettiness. 

DUNX. (placing form on table) Yes, if you'd had 
about two, you might have come to a decision. Don't 
scatter them about, you haven't time to play patience 
now. I suppose it doesn't matter much where I begin 
on her, so that I fill up the form! (he measures length 
of back, 18, crosses to table and writes it down) 18. 

Nio. This pink and grey would be the sweetest match 
If this dress is the fashion it becomes me well. 

DUNN, (returning to R. of NIOBE) Stand up, please 
(placing her arm to measure sleeve, NIOBE puts arm full 
up, DUNN goes up to door R., returns to NIOBE and 
places arm in position; measures, 6. 13. 2-}., crosses to 
table) 6. 13. 24. 

Nio. (c.) May I, too, have a full accordion skirt? 


Duxx. (coming lack to R. of NIOBE) Oh yes, with 
concertina sleeves; and harmonican puffs if you like. 

Nio. As you decide. Whom have I in the world but 
you! (going to embrace Duxx, as he places arm to 
measure bust; NIOBE attempts to embrace him as he 
puts his hand around to measure her; Duxx gets the 
measurement and bobbing under arm, goes to table) 

Duxx. Thirty-nine, (writes thirty-nine) 

Nio. Why I am forty times as old as you. I think 
that grey would suit me. 

Duxx. (returns to c. L. of NIOBE, bringing card form 
with him; he goes to measure her waist she embraces 
him ad lib. He falls on his knees and takes measure- 
ment) Waist 36. (CARRIE enters R.; NIOBE gets over on 
his L.; he measures skirt and sees CARRIE'S foot, she hav- 
ing entered during business; Duxx falls flat on stage, 
muttering measurement and gathering up loose patterns, 
pushing them into his vest. 

CAR. (R. c., indignantly to NIOBE) I had some busi- 
ness with my husband, but I can wait. 

Nio. (L. c.) Oh no! We would not have you wait. 
He's here and you may speak. 

CAR. (R.) You're too gracious. I came, Peter, un- 
known to Helen, to see if you could not remove my 
doubts; and I find you, as usual, in open unblushing 
companionship with this woman. 

Duxx. Open! Yes open! There is no deception. 
None. ( rising) 

CAR. You loved me once, Peter. 

Nio. (crosses to CARRIE) He loves you still. His 
heart is yours; you cannot grudge me a little corner 
in it. 

Duxx. (at table, putting doivn patterns) She wants 
a corner on it. 

CAR. How can I bear this infamous creature's inso- 

Duxx. Carrie, you don't understand; she's not in- 

CAR. You defend her! 

Duxx. I'd defend anyone who's unjustly accused. 

CAR. (crying R.) If you are bewitched, confess it; 
say you are under the spell of this fair Siren. 

Nio. (crying c.) The Siren's lured Odysseus with 
melody and song. I have not played or sung here to 

Duxx. Now they're both at it. Here's a chance for 
the gods! Carrie, there's no spell in the business. 


CAR. (R.) Ah! Why do I protest. I might have ex- 
pected it. 

Drxx. (crossing to CARRIE) I did expect it. The 
moment I saw her, I knew you would object to her being 

CAR. What self-respecting wife would not? (cries 
at screen) 

Drxx. (going to seat L. corner) Now we're all at it. 
(sits) I knew it was useless to say who she was, or 
how she came. 

Nio. (c. ) He feared the truth, tho' I advised it. 
Truth might have worked more mischief. 

Drxx. No! truth couldn't! But what's the use of 
a truth which seemed like throwing down the gauntlet 
to Annanias. 

CA.R. (crosses to PETER) Oh Peter! Confess you 
were beguiled and I'll forgive you. (talcing his face in 
her hands, turns his head towards her) 

Drxx. I cannot criminate myself by owning up to 
what doesn't belong to me. If you had been here wher 
she arrived if you had spen how she came, it would 
have been all right; you would understand that (rises) 
that she is no more to me than a sister I have not seen 
for years. 

Goes up c. to fireplace. 

Nso. (R. c.) He was near when I first drew my 
breath! But him in the wide world I have no one, he 
is my guardian, my protector. 

C\R. (crosses c. ) Ah, how blind I've been, (goes to 
Drxx and brings him down L. of her) Forgive me, 
Peter, for having doubted. Why did you not say she was 
your sister? 

Drxx. Why! I never thought of it. 

CAR. (to NIOBE) You, too, must forgive me, and let 
me call you Sister. (Drxx smiling) 

Nio. Oh yes, that will be sweet. I have wanted so 
much to love you, but you would not let me. 

CVR. (arms around NIOBE) I might have known you 
would wish to be near Peter. Though he never said so; 
and what a resemblance! Come, Peter dear, kiss your 
sister. And Helen thought different. 

Duxx. Helen would, (beck at table, putting away, 
hiding patterns) 

CAR. I was to blame for neglecting Peter's kindred. 
I knew of your existence, that is all. What is your 
name, dear? 


DUNN, (at back, trying to stop her) Mab 

Nio. (not hetding UI.NN) My name is Niobe! 
DUNN, (goes down L. ) She conceals nothing. She's 
altogether too guileless for this nineteenth century. 

Enter HELEN and HATTIE from dining-room R. i. E. 

CAR. Sister Niobe! (embracing her and putting her 
over c.) Helen! (crosses to HELEN) We have wronged 
Peter; ice are to blame. She is his sister. 

HEL. (severely) Sister! 

HAT. Peter's Sister! 


CAR. And if we had not kept her a stranger to our 
circle, her coming would not have caused all this anx- 

HEL. (nastily spofcen) I always said, if she came 
there would be trouble. 

HAT. (crosses to NIOBE, R. c.) Peter's sister. Well, 
you're not a bit like him. You're altogether too scrump- 
tious for anything. 

Nio. (c. ) Though I am ignorant of what "scrump- 
tious " means, your manner tells me it is something 

HAT. (L. c.) You bet your boots it is. 

HEL. (R.) Hattie! 

HAT. (sharply) Don't you interfere. We're going 
to run our new sister on our own lines, aren't we Carrie? 

Nio. You have my sympathy (pointing to HELEN) 
that she claims kinship with you. 

HELEN turns indignantly from NIOBE. 

HAT. Oh, you are a funny old thing. And say, Ni', 
won't you tell me how you dress your hair like that? 
(round to L. of NIOBE) 

Nio. I cannot tell you that; my tiring women dressed 
it. It is as it was left three thousand years ago. 

General surprise. 

OMNES. Three thousand years! 

DCNN. (crossing in front to c.) Ha! Er that's a 
quotation; you know the quotation "Rode the three 
thousand." (goes up c.) 

Enter MARY, R., from halhcay, n. c. 

MARY, (to NIOBE) Miss Mifton wants to know if 
she's ever goin' to get her clothes? 


DUNN. Yes, yes! Of course! (to NIOBE) Go! Go! 
and give her dress back by all means, (goes up) 

MARY exits R. 

HAT. Bother her shabby old clothes! You can have 
some of my dresses. 

CAR. Or mine. You are about my figure. 

Nio. I am pleased you are so shapely. Cleophas 
thought that I was well nigh faultless. 

CAR. Who's Cleophas? 

HAT. (quickly, R. c. ) Is he your mash? 

DUNN, (going down, pushes HATTIE aicay) Never 
mind him. He's a fellow we met at the races, (to 
NIOBE aside) Be quiet and do as I tell you or you'll 
spoil all. (c~"s over to window) 

Xio. (gradually working up) Ah no! Fear not! 
(coming down c. ) I cannot take the robes you'd kindly 
loan me, but I am touched no less with all your love 
and moved to the relief of melting tears. 

NIOIJI: exits crying, off R. c. up stairs; CARRIE up c., looks 
after NIGUE; HATTIE goes up R. c., and exits after 

Drxx. (coming down L.) At it again. Kindness or 
cruelty, care or neglect, all melt her alike. 

Door bell. 

CAR. Poor, tender hearted darling. 

HEL. (down R.) Irrigating Crocodile! She's a huge 
sham mark my words, we shall live to regret her com- 

Duxx. (goes a little towards HELEX) There's no oc- 
casion for you, to live here to regret it. If you feel you 
could bear it better somewhere else, don't let us keep 
you. (goes L.) 

Enter BEATRICE R., from hallway, advances with, HATTIE. 

HAT. (R. c.) Bea! What do you think? Such a sur- 
prise; Miss Mifton, the first Miss Mifton is 

Duxx. (L. ) Hattie, my dear, be quiet. Miss Sil- 
locks is not interested in our family surprises. 

BEA. (R. c.) Oh yes I am! Especially as I have one 
of my own. 

CAR. For whom? 


BEA. For all of you! Papa has always imagined, as 
Mr. Dunn's sister never visited him, that there was some 
kind of estrangement. 

HAT. Yes! And her papa was determined to get 
Peter's sister over on a visit, and give them the chance 
to kiss and be friends. 

BEA. That's it! And he has just received a telegram 
to say she will come. 

HEL. AND CAR. (R. and R. c.) Who will come? 

BEA. (c.) Mr. Dunn's sister, Mabel! 

HEL. Mabel? 

CAR. Niobe! 

DUNN. Niobe Niobe Mabel Dunn she has several 
names. Those are the two front ones Miobe, Nabel, 

BEA. Mabel; tho' papa says they always called her 
Gypsy, she was so dark. 

CAR. Dark!! 

HEL. (rises) Dark? She is fair! 

BEA. and HATTIE go up c. in front of fireplace; CARRIE 
up to opening c. 

DUNN, (c.) Yes, she is fair now. I tried to keep 
her dark, but I couldn't, (going drops in chair ex- 
treme L.) 

Enter CORNEY from dining-room. 

HEL. (advances c.) I knew it another fraud un- 

CORX. (R.) What is it? What's the new discovery? 

HEL. (c. ) He, this monster of martial iniquity, has 
been blinding us with new and more daring falsehoods. 
He declared that this woman was his sister. 

DUNN. Never! Never! I never declared it. 

HEL. (crosses L. c. to table) See how he cowers, for 
he stands confessed. Fate, in the person of Beatrice 
Sillocks, has hunted him down. 

CORX. Bea, in a new role. The guardian angel of 
innocence, (crosses L. to DUNN) 

HAT. (down c.) Perhaps he has two sisters! (Drxx 
u-ith a gleam of hope rises) Why not, there are two 
Miss Miftons! (CORXEY meets DUNN'S gaze) 

CORN. No! 

DUNN. No? 

CORN. No, no! 

DUNN. No, no! (drops in chair again) 

CORN. No! no! That's played out. Even Peter, with 


all his impudence, wouldn't set up that defence, (goes 
up to fire to BEATRICE) 

CAR. (advances to R. c.) She is not your sister? 

DUNN. No! No! 

HAT. (L. c.) Oh, Peter! 

HEL. Hattie! Leave the room; these disclosures are 
unfit for your ears. 

HATTIE crosses front to R. 

COKX. (bringing BEATRICE doicn R. c.) And take 
Beatrice from the moral poison of his presence. 

HAT. We'll hear all about it afterwards, so it doesn't 
make any difference. (HATTIE exits with BEATIIK i: 
R. i. K. ) 

COKX. (goes towards PETER in front of table L. c.) 
Now Peter Amos Dunn! As my sister's brother, I am 
bound to bring it to your notice, that one of us, either 
your party or our party, must leave this house. And, 
I think your best course is to leave us in possession of 
the home you are no longer fit to occupy. 

Di NX (rises) It's my home, and I suit it to myself. 
(desperately. CORXEY backs a little c.) 

HEL. Leave him to me, Corney! (going to Duxx) 

Drxx. Yes, ao! Her sex gives her a protection you 
haven't got. 

CAR. (R. c. ) Peter, why, oh why did you say she 
was your sister? 

DUNN, (crossing to CARRIE) I didn't! It never oc- 
curred to me or I might. You yourself said she was my 
sister, and I know you hate to be contradicted. 

CAR. (R. c.) But she gave her consent to the fraud. 
She let me call her sister. 

Drxx. (R. c.) Oh, what of that! I've called many 
a girl sister before I married you. 

CAR. This woman admitted that you were her guar- 
oian and protector. 

Drxx. Well, in a sense I am. I'm responsible for 
her. She's purely a matter of business. She was turned 
over to me to take care of, and when he's ready for her 
he'll take her away. 

HEL. What disgusting levity! 

CAR. Who will take her away? 

DUNN. Why Tompkins! She's his property, not 

CORN, (advancing c.) Tompkins! Isn't this a branch 
of business which ought not to be intruded on the home 


DUNN. (c 1 .) Don't I know that? But Tompkins set 
such store by her, I had to oblige him and bring her 
here, (crosses to low seat L. ) 

HEL. (rises) Then weak as you are to shield an- 
other person's infamy at the cost of insulting your fam- 
ily, you are a spotless infant compared to Tompkins. 

CAR. Mr. Tompkins must never set foot in this house 

CORN, (c.) Say the word and I'll kick Tompkins 
out every time he comes. 

Enter MARY from halhtay R. from L. 
MARY. Mr. Tompkins! (MARY exits) 
CORXEY goes quickly to R. corner : enter TOMPKINS R. u. E. 

DUNN. How d'ye do, Tompkins? If you'll come to 
my room 

HEL. (putting DUNN back, Tie falls into chair) Let 
Mr. Tompkins first hear the opinion of the ladies, whose 
sense of delicacy he has outraged. 

TOMP. (c. ) What's the matter, Dunn? 

DUNN. Nothing! Nothing! Don't take any notice. 

HEL. He must take notice, and apologize to ladies 
or irreproachable character though it is scarcely to be 
expected from one so utterly depraved. 

TOMP. I haven't an idea what I'm supposed to have 
done, but few of us have past lives, wholly free from 
blame. Even you, Miss Griffin, may have something to 

HEL. What dare you insinuate? It is not true! Who 
could have told you? I I 

DUNN. It's right! It's right! Tompkins has found 
it all out Helen's down and I can't triumph I 
haven't a crow left in me. (goes up L. to fire c.) 

HEL. Even for your sake Carrie, I cannot remain 
here to be insulted. 

CAR. Is not Corney here to protect you? (comes 
flown R. c. ) 

CORN. To be sure, tricks of this kind won't help you, 
Tompkins, and we must ask you to take her away, if 
you have not the decency to apologise for her pres- 

TOMP. (c.) Whose presence? Who's shef 

CORN. (R.) The woman you brought here. 

TOMP. I brought! 

CORN. The Governess! 


HEL. (L. ) Dunn's sister! 

CAR. (R. c.) Miss Mifton! 

TOMP. (R. c.) There are three of them? 

Duxx. They're all one! 

CAR. (advancing to TUMPKIXS) Mr. Dunn says she 
was brought here to oblige you. 

TOMP. Dunn says that (goes up to Duxx) 

Duxx. (crouching on stool by fire) Yes, I did, but 
it's a lie a waacking lie! I'm trying to break a record 
I started in without thinking and Heaven only knows 
where I shall end. 

TOMP. Is this meant for a joke, Mr. Dunn? 

Duxx. That's it! I never thought of it before, but 
it's a joke. Ha! Ha! 

TOMP. I fail to appreciate it, Sir; but fortunately my 
business with you will soon be over and our acquaint- 
ance can em" Trith it. I have come to take away my 
Statue. (coics down c.) 

CARRIE crosses to L. 

Duxx. His Statue! The last straw! 

TOMP. I find my place is ready, and the men are 
here to move it. 

Duxx. Move it! You can't move it! 

Coux. (R.) Why not? It's only a question of hav- 
ing enough men. 

TOMP. I have a score, and they will exercise every 
care in getting it out. 

Duxx. Care's of no use, and a hundred men couldn't 
get the Statue out! It isn't here. 

TOMP. Not here! 

OMXES. Not here! 

TOMP. What do you mean? 

HEL. The figure has not been moved. 

CORX. (R. ) It's here in the screen right enough, it 
couldn't fly out of the window, (opening screen) Gone! 

OMXES. Gone!!! 

TOMP. Nothing but the Pedestal! 

Duxx. (advancing R. c.) Didn't I tell you so? Do 
you think I am incapable of ever speaking the truth? 

TOMP. But wnere is it? Where! What is your ex- 

Duxx. I haven't got one! (falling into chair B.) 

CORX. Absurd! Make a break at something, (cross- 
ing up stage and down and sits on table) 

TOJIP. (c.) Stupendous misfortune! You can have 


no conception of the awfulness of your avowal you can- 
not realize my loss. 

Di NX. I can realize the loss it is to our Company! 

To MI'. What is filthy lucre? No money on earth can 
compensate me for its destruction. 

CAR. (L. c.) Be calm, Mr. Tompkins! 

HEL. (R. of table L. c. ) It will be found no doubt. 

TOM P. Calm! With such a treasure gone! Ah! You 
know nothing of the halo of romance that surrounds 
that figure. It was no ordinary piece of statuary. 
There is a legend that no mortal hand carved or chis- 
elled it. It is believed to be the actual petrifaction of 
the identical once living Niobe, wife of Amphion, King 
of Thebes. 

Duxx. (jumping up) What! Niobe herself! And 
you believe the story? You do! 

TOMP. Why should I doubt the possibility of human 

Duxx. (rushing at TOMPKIXS, taking his hand\ 
Bless you, Tompkins! Bless you! Now 7 can be be- 
lieved! (crosses to others L. c. ) The truth seemed so 
preposterous before, I dared not tell it. But now oh 
Tompkins! Tompkins! (embracing TOMPKIXS) 

TOMP. (pushing him away) Why this excitement? 

Duxx. (going back R. ) Because she, Niobe herself, 
from the time immediately after the Trojan war, who 
was there in the stone, has come to life! 

OMXES. Come to life! ! ! 

Duxx. (on pedestal) The uncovered electric wires 
imparted some vital current to the system, which roused 
the dormant principle of respiration and circulation, un- 
petrified her limbs and she is alive; alive, oh! (goes L. ) 


TOMP. (R. c.) Mirabile Dictu! (goes to R. corner) 
Duxx. Call it what you like, Tompkins, you can't 
alter it. Ah! She is here! 

NIOBE enters R. c. as Statue, coming down c. ; ichite lime 
on NIOBE. 

Nio. (c.) Petramos, I have obeyed you. 
TOMP. (R.) The same sweet face! 
CAR. (up c.) The same features! 
HEL. (L.) The same Costume! 

Nio. (c.) You stare most strangely! What does 
your wonder mean? 


DUNN. (R. c.) It means, they have heard the truth 
and believe it. 

TOM P. Niobe! (hands out) 

Nio. (seeing TOMPKINS) What man is this? 

DUNN. Your owner. The man who paid great treas- 
ure to purchase you to adorn his home. 

Nio. Am I then his slave? 

TOMP. Say rather I am yours. 

NIOBE advances c.; TOMPKINS to Tier as DUNN goes up 
to CARRIE reconciliation business. 

TOMP. Oh filtatese gewnaikos omma kai dommas, 

ekk s'aelptose, oupot opsesthai, dokone. 
Nio. Ekkeis fthonosdy mee genoito tone theone. 

They turn back to audience, TOMPKINS half embracing 
B., from hallway. 

SILL, (up R. c.) Hallo! What's this? A fancy dress 

CORN. (L.) Oh no! A new metamorphosis for a mod- 
ern Ovid. This lady is the real article, warranted three 
thousand years in bottle. 

SILLOCKS and BEATRICE cross to L., and NIOBE and TOMP- 
KINS go up c. 

HAT. (L.) Oh, Corney, what a stretch! 
INN. (down L.) Why, she's the exact counterpart of 
the Statue. 

TOMPKINS and NIOBE go up c. and face audience. 

CAR. (R. c.) She is the Statue! 

SILL, (up L. c. ) What does it mean? 

DUNN. (L. of CARRIE) It means that Tompkins has 
no longer an Antique excuse for living single. 

TOMP. (L. of NIOBE) It means, he does not want one. 

DUNN. (R. c. ) She'll make you an excellent wife, 
Tompkins, combining all the charm of youth with a 
long worldly experience. 

Nio. (c. ) Farewell, Petramos! 

DUNN. Good bye! 

Nio. Good bye to all. 



I know you may expect me, from the strain 
Of such like plays, to turn to stone again, 
But life is sweet, and faults if you'll forgive 
Sans tears, all smiling Niobe will live. 


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